Rough Days

Everyone has one of those days when they want to just say "f*ck it". The past two days have been those kind of days for me. They have been so incredibly hard to come by that as a result I have a migraine. I've been to the overflowing point of frustration and have more than once ended in tears.

I love my kids, don't ever think I don't or that I the least bit regret them because I don't. I just wish things were easier. I wish I hadn't done it all backwards. I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant without a career. I wish before I brought them to this world I had figured out what I wanted out of life. The reality of it is though that if it wasn't for them I would have never been so passionate about what I want to accomplish. 

My boyfriend always says our situation os a means to an end. I am so looking forward to that end. The end when I will no longer worry about bills or how we'll pay for diapers. The end when I won't have to choose between gas in the car or a gallon of milk. When I can just as easily go to Dunkin' Donuts and grab a coffee without having to consider every penny spent. It seems silly, but I worry so much I obsess over these things. 

We don't have it bad. Our bills get paid. Our kids are fed. The baby has diapers, but my anxiety haunts me. We have worked so hard for everything we have that I constantly fear waking up one day and loosing it all. I fear that one day I'll wake up and the father of my children will no longer want to be here because its just too much. I don't blame him. We're young, only 22 and 25. We have a ton of responsibility on our shoulders, and why is that? Because we have chosen to do it on our own. Mommy and daddy don't pay our bills or watch our boys for any reason. We are making it happen for our kids on our own. 

I admit its hard. A lot of the time I want to throw in the towel, but at the end if the day this is temporary. When we reach the top we won't owe anyone a thing! However, right now in the midst of my storm my anxiety is getting the best of me. I find myself breathing deeper, walking away more often when the kids are being tough, wanting a break so badly, and feeling guilty about it all. 

I know these days won't last forever. I know the baby will eventually stop teething and the toddler will stop acting out once he understands that patience is a virtue. Its just right now its rough! With daddy away so much we find ourselves alone a lot, and daddy is still at work is hard for them to understand.

I have deposited myself in the Lord's hands. Asking Him to heal my heart so full of fear, to give me joy and strength, and to guide me in the direction that is accordingly perfect for his plan for me. 

Good night everyone! Until next time.