Mommy Time Out

No mommy isn't being bad. Mommy just needs a break. Sometimes this is all too much. My heart starts racing and I feel like I have a ton sitting on my chest preventing me from breathing! It sucks. 

I know its my anxiety. I know its not under control. I'm driving myself crazy trying to take care of everyone and forgetting about myself. I need a moment for me. A mommy time out. A second to collect my thoughts. Take a deep breath. Clear my head and then head back into the battlefield that is my life. 

See the thing about attachment parenting is that it doesnt make you "perfect parent of the year". You're still human at the end of the day. You still become frustrated. You still get overwhelmed. Things still make you angry. Day in and day out you're fighting against those emotions that you cant let get the best of you. 

The worst part is trying to live the righteous path when you were not brought up in it. Its like everyday I struggle chasing after what feels right and I always some how fuck it up. I yell. I use because I said so. I lose sight of what I'm in search of constantly. 

I struggle with my anxiety so much because I am afraid I am fucking up parenting my children more than I can bare to take. Everyday I worry if I am a good enough mother for them. Do I read to them enough? Do they know I love them enough? Am I being fair with them? 

I do not want my children to grow up hating me. I just want to follow my instincts. Those instincts that burn within leading me down the path I want to take. Every journey requires a break. I need more than one most days. I breathe. Collect my thoughts. Move forward.