The first signs of labor started the weekend prior. Contractions began to be anywhere from 5-10 minutes apart. Sleep was impossible. I spent the week in bed. On his birthday (Friday) at 4:30pm I started loosing my mucous plug. We were certain he would come before Monday and spent the weekend on edge. We got ready as best we could. Finished packing our bags and getting all his stuff ready. Made arragenments for our son to be watched while at the hospital and all.
I really wanted him to be a home birth. I dreamed of my oldest son being a part of his baby brothers birth. The hospital doesnt allow siblings unless they are 4 and older. I chose not to go with a homebirth because I had spent the pregnancy taking my blood pressure medication and was worried it would affect my baby. Taking the medication feels like my first downfall. I should have trusted my body. Agreeing to an induction to protect him was my other fall. What am I to do though? I was worried and wanted my own OB to be there. We didn't have a car and no one could just randomly come watch our son. It seemed like the right decision for us.
We arrived at the hospital at 7 am monday January 14th. I was admitted and immediately hooked up to the monitor and on an IV for fluids and pitocin. I was 2cm already and contracting on my own, but not enough to get somewhere on that day. So pitocin it was increasing it 2 every half hour until we reached max. I know what real contractions feel like & they are not as excrutiating as when pitocin causes them. I wanted to skip the epidural, but I felt like my body was getting broken into pieces.
To make matters worse the stupid resident broke my water at 3cm against my doctors wishes. I don't know what she was in a rush for. I remember the pain of it all. I remember the tears and screaming. She didn't give a fuck that she was causing me so much pain. She just went ahead and did it. I've never felt that violated before. I'm not sure why I didn't speak up then. I failed to step up for myself and my baby. Maybe I was just glad it was over.
The pain just got worse. I made it 12 hours no meds. I chose to get my epidural at 6cm at the lowest dose. It took the edge off but I felt everything. Not sure if the pain caused by that procedure was worth it either. Another person who failed to listen to my needs. I understood the procedure very well. I knew i couldn't move, but he didn't understand me. He didn't get it when I would say "please stop I'm having a contraction. You can continue when its over." He didn't get that they were coming fast and were strong. That maybe he would have to take the extra minute or two to finish me. He just went for it.
After my epidural i dilated quickly. I say quickly because with my first it was like 1 cm every 2-2.5 hours. I went from 6-9 in under 3 hours. When I reached 9cm I felt the urge to push. I remember the doctor walking in to check me and being 9 and not 5 minutes later screaming for her to come back because the urge to push was taking over. I was already a 10. If any hospital staff was great during my delivery it was my doctor and my nurse.
My doctor went about the entire thing letting me do my thing. Never once told me how or when to push. She even allowed me to pull my son out myself right onto my chest. My son was born at 10:36pm after 13 minutes of intense pushing. We did immediate skin to skin and all I was worried about was nursing him. He didn't even cry. Was responsive, but so still and comforted by me. He kept looking up at me it was so lovely.
No one held him that night except me. He stayed on my chest for over 3 hours. He went to get weighed a and measured and was back on my chest. We slept together. From day one he has slept by my side. He nursed and nursed and nursed. The bond that developed from that is an incredible one. I'm the center of his world and now my baby is turning one.
I wanted to write his birth story, but wanted to focus on all the different feelings even the negative ones. I needed to get it out there to help me heal. I'm not having anymore children. I wont have a healing birth. I am just grateful for healthy happy babies and everyday learn to forgive myself for not knowing what I do now.
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