Thank God it's Bedtime!!!!!

Goodness gracious what a LONGGGG day! I've been up for what seems like forever even though I have not been. That's what eight hours of sleep and no coffee does to me. What a shame! 

I worked until 3pm today. Did some groceries,and came home to a quiet Mason and a napping Logan. Their dad said they were good all day. I said, "well hell by the time he leaves it will only be 3-4 hours until bedtime." All I had to get done was dinner, bath and bed. Easy peasy.

Liesssss! Mason didn't nap today. In the middle of cooking dinner he asked me for blueberries. My answer was no, not until dinner. That was enough to make flip out. He threw himself and the blueberries all over the floor. I lost my shit. You know I'm really starting to wonder what the f*ck I'm doing wrong at this parenting thing? Why does my kid constantly defy and yell at me? Even when I'm gentle and positive towards him...he flips out! Is it the age of 3!? If it is I f*cking hate it! I am so tired of being yelled at by a 3 year old...even when I haven't even raised my voice. And I'm really getting sick and tired of being told I'm getting walked all over because I'm not the only parent he does this to. I'm ranting I know. I don't care!

I served dinner. Logan grabbed an entire piece of chicken and was eating. I thought to myself: yes a turn around to the evening. More liessss he ate that chicken until he looked at it. Not sure why but he flipped out. Screaming and crying, shaking his head no for I don't know what reason. I'm so tired of only feeding him PB&Js because that's all he will eat without even thinking about it. Oh and get this now all of a sudden he doesn't like the crust on the bread. Smh

Sigh I need a break. Like a real break! Not a one hour by myself kind if break, but an entire day of doing nothing kind of break. No getting up early or being needed by everyone. Man I am spent! Running on fumes here people. I feel like the poster mom of failure tonight. 

Thank God it's bedtime! Good night everyone. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I get a chance to do better.

Excuse My Mess!

Prior to having children I was extremely obsessive over my house being clean. I cleaned my house top to bottom every day all day over and over and over again. Everything from vaccuuming to wiping counters to rinsing the tub. Then I had my first child and went back to work. Not making the bed was ok. Not cleaning the bathroom everyday was ok. The trash being taken out every night was not an urgency. Taken care of my new baby was. 

When my son was almost 10 months old I found out I was expecting my second. As my pregnancy progressed getting things done became a nightmare. Laundry piled up. The rooms weren't vacuumed or mopped everyday. Not wiping counters was ok. I just wanted to be comfortable and spend time with my boy. When I brought my new baby home I had an 18 month old, an exclusively breastfed newborn and no help (until daddy came home from work)! It is an understatement to say that dishes piled up. The stove wasnt scrubbed every night anymore.

I want to clarify that it was not by choice. My anxiety on MOST days gets the best of me. Something in me screams perfection and if dishes are piled and floors are messy I want to rip my head off. It sucks. I become upset. It makes me want to throw everything in the trash, but I don't. I enjoy taking care of my family and as long as that is done I am happy. 

My family is my priority. To be honest when the time comes that my children are grown I won't really be wishing I had spent more time scrubbing floors or doing laundry and not making memories with my children. Cliche I know, but I'm serious I enjoy being their mom and caretaker. I sleep peacefully when they go to bed after a fun day even if the dishes from dinner are still in the sink. 

Just thoughts! Xoxo