Having a Hard Time...Not Giving Me a Hard Time.

 

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If I were to tell you the overwhelming amount of times that I have received unsolicited parenting advice from strangers, we would be here all night long. It's true what they say. "If you have nothing nice to say...don't say anything at all." Sometimes these comments are well meaning, but they come out the wrong way. It is never a mother's intention to parade her cranky children around to run errands. Trust me when I say it is not.  We just have to do what we have to do. 

I didn't understand this until becoming a mother myself. I have written before (possibly) about how before I was a mom I used to say how that would never be me. In reference to the moms dealing with the toddler screaming at the grocery store because mom said no to candy or whatever the reason may be. I said my children would know better. Haha who was I kidding!? 

I have on more than one occasion been the mom whose child acted out in public. Had a tantrum or meltdown in the middle of grocery shopping. Your face turns red. People stare which makes it all worse. Anxiety creeps in and all you want to do is dart out of that door, but everything seems to be taking longer. If you're anything like me you fight the tears and the urge to give into to your child. Not because we don't discipline, but because it's all just too much. 

Our children don't necessiraly understand the concept of time. Their innocent little world falls apart when you tell them no. More times than none they don't mean to give you a hard time...they are just having a hard time. Because I like to relate my posts to real life I will tell you about times when I have been the mom with the screaming child. 

My sons are on a regular basis very well behaved. If they act out something is up. Tired and hungry are the biggest triggers.  This past Friday we went to buy some groceries and my son Mason was exhausted (he likes to wake up at the crack of dawn and not nap). In the middle of our shopping trip he started whining. No big deal most kids whine, but then he got louder and louder. He wasn't purposely wanting to give me a hard time . He was just done. 

While I do believe children push buttons to test boundaries as parents we know when our children do things on purpose. My son Logan being special needs (as most of you know) has a very hard time in loud crowded places, so he has meltdowns often. They happen in places like the grocery store a lot. He goes from happy to screaming within minutes sometimes seconds. I can't help to have to go grocery shopping, and I hate doing that to him. Others just need to grasp the concept that children at not robots. They are not to be bullied. They have feelings, and just like you and I have bad days... They do too. 

How do you handle your children's behavior? 

Parenting

The first thing I'll say is I'm not here to make myself look like I'm mom of the year! I fuck up too. This post is because as parents we assume a lot without knowing the reality of the situation. 

My oldest toddler has been acting out lately. I was at a loss on what to do. He just recently started play school and that was a major change for him. He's never been away from us consistently for long periods of time. I didn't know if something was going on at school or if it was just a phase for him. I posted a question on a mommy fb page. With my question I also informed readers that he recently had pink eye and had started school. I also included that we parent gently and do not do time outs or physical punishment.  

Most responses were helpful others were a bit...obnoxious. Someone even went on to say that my child is walking all over me and I need to improve my parenting because he is out of control. That struck a cord. My child is the furthest thing from out of control. I strongly believe something is going on with him whether its because he's turning 3 soon and that brings a whole lot of changes for him or because he's not feeling well or even because he's still getting used to school. Whatever it may be my child is not acting this way because hes a bad child. Atleast thats what I believe. I'm sure to others think he needs a good "spanking."

I realized people have the wrong impression of gentle parenting. If you say you parent gently people immediately assume your child bullies you. Thats not what it is about...atleast not for me. Gentle parenting for us is validating our children's feelings. Teaching them that its ok to feel all their feelings whether negative or positive and teaching them to express both effectively. 

Almost everyone on there suggested time out. While I understand this may work for some; it does not work for us. Mainly because it doesn't feel right to me. I very clearly remember how I felt when my mom would send me to my room for the things I did "wrong". There was never any discussig the situation together. I don't want my children feeling like I'm shutting them out. We do time ins. Time in for us is when we get removed from the situation. We talk our feelings through and when we're calm and ready we go back. We apologize if the situation calls for it. Us as parents do most of the talking of course because our boys are still young, but it helps them knowing we're there for them. 

Now I've been known to loose my shit...often. I'm human. I get frustrated and feel touched out too. I still try VERY VERY hard not to yell like I'm the big bad wolf, and you wont catch me hitting my sons for things. People think discipline is punishment. Like if my son hit me in order to teach him not to hit I have to hit him back. NO! Discipline is teaching lessons. I give my kids the credit they deserve. I believe they understand more than people give credt for. If they hit...we say we don't hit. Mommy or whomever doesn't like it when you hit. Its not nice. Now say sorry ok. 

Everyone parents differently because everyone believes in different things. Everyone has different children. Even us. We parent each of our children differently because they are their own person. However, we parent each with the same concept in mind. To validate their feelings and allow them to be themselves.

I know it seems pathetic and not everyday goes like a fairy tale. I'm honest enough to say I'm not always the gentlest person around. I'm working on myself as I raise my children. Working to change ways that have been all I know for years.

Bad Mom

Today I was a bad mom. I know I'm not a bad mom, but today I felt like it. My oldest toddler is gettin very challenging. I know I should be more patient, but old habits die hard. I'm trying to be a better person and a better mother. Why was it that today when he yelled at me my first response was to pop him in the mouth?He cried and ran off. I cried and went in the other direction. Now that I think of it I never even apologized. I've been bad today! 

Why cant I be who I want to be overnight? I hate the things that are so challenging to stop. I feel as if I have failed my children. As if I am doing more harm than good, but traditional forms of discipline dont suit well with me. The way I see it is there has to be better ways. Things can't just be a you are told they are your entire life. What else is there?

Each and every single day in my journey as a mother is a challenging one. I don't proclaim to be the perfect mom because I am not. There is no perfect. I just want to be and do better because I know better. Each and every single day when my children test our boundaries; I am faces with a battle between what I have always known and all that I want to do differently. Most times I am capable of beating my demons. Other times they lash out before I can stop them and I find myself repeating what I said I'd never do. I want to be more gentle with them. More compassionate. Treat them more as ther own person rather than my property. At times I feel like a recovering addict who relapses. I just want better than what I had for my boys!

Am I a bad mom? No. I am a struggling mom. A mom trying to change her ways. Reprogram her brain to something shes never been exposed to. I am a good mom for wanting better. I am a good mom trying. A good mom for doing better. Everyone is allow mistakes. What matters is that we learn from them and move on. 

Everyone knows my boys can be a challenge to me. I chase wanting to be a better mother for them so much that I forget I am already a good mother to them. They don't hate me. Nor will they hate me if I have a rough day. I am human. Those boys have saved my life! They opened my eyes to everything I didn't know was out in the world. They are my guides. My guides to a more natural, peaceful lifestyle. They chose me as their mom. I am perfect in their eyes. 

If you feel as if you're a bad mom let me tell you that you are a WONDERFUL mom! You're doing the best you can. You have made it this far just keep pushing. Your baby/ies need you. Keep chasing better!

They are EVERYTHING!