The "Good" Mother

What is a good mother? To whom's standards do we consider a mom good or bad. Is there such thing as a bad mom or is it misunderstood. 

To me a good mother is she who puts her children before anything. A good mom takes her children into consideration before making decisions. Her heart swells at their smiles even if her eyes roll when they are a handful. However, how or what she feeds them, their sleeping arrangements, her form of discipline, public or homeschool, working or staying home does not define her.

The amount of judgement passed on social media from mother to mother seriously sickens me. When will we stop? We have to stick together. Sometimes as mothers we're the only ones that we can relate to. I know sometimes I read posts on Instagram from other moms and I'm like "omg me too, I'm not alone!" 

However lately,  I've seriously wondered what it is I am doing wrong. Why can't my 3 year old and I connect. Why are we bumping heads? I've been yelling during the day, exasperated with all that's rushing through my mind, and crying myself to sleep at night wondering how I can be better. I must be doing something right though. My children love me unconditionally. They see my flaws, but they don't care. In their eyes I am a good mother. 

As women not just as mothers we are our own biggest critics. We see someone else doing good in something and beat ourselves up for not being as good at it. Let's celebrate our flaws. Let's celebrate our accomplishments. Let's empower one another. Let's stop kicking each other when we're down. 

We are all good mothers to our children. They are unique. What works for our children won't ever work for another's child. We always have our child's best interest at heart even if to another it's not the right way. To us it is. We are good mothers. 

You're Not Alone

As moms we have at some point felt like we're the only ones having a tough day. We may feel like everyone else is having a ball and you're the mom stuck with the 3 year old throwing tantrums and the 1 year old screaming because he is overwhelmed by the department store. I speak from experience. 

Because I work at BRU I often interact with a lot of moms with young children. I often am able to observe different situations that remind me of myself. The tantrum that turns your face red and you wish the ground would swallow you. The negotiating and compromising with your child so that they won't scream bloody murder. I have been there too. 

Before I had my boys I would say "I'll be damned if my kids ever act crazy in public. My kids will know better." I think back to those days a lot. Boy was I young and naive. Truth is kids don't know better. They are kids. I've read lots of articles that explain what life is like for a toddler. They do feel like their world might end when you say no to them or when you keep them waiting. 

A few weeks ago at the grocery store my 3 year old (then about a week or two shy of 3) asked for some candy. I told him that he needed to be patient while mommy shopped and that if he was he could get some candy. He immediately didn't  like what he heard and threw one of his tantrums. Prior to that he was always very patient at the store. Not sure what snapped on this day, but I wanted to be swallowed alive. People would stare as I attempted to talk him through it almost expecting me to hit my son. I didn't hit him. Although I was embarrassed I let him have his tantrum and told him that because of his behavior he can not have candy. He understood. 

Last week I was checking out an overwhelmed mom. She had her kids in tow and seemed like she could barely concentrate. I asked her how old her kids  were and to my surprise they were as old as mine same exact age difference. We understood each other. We went through similar things. We talked about how rough it is being home all day with them. How grateful we were for bedtime, and also how she was considering returning to work or putting her son in preschool so that she could get some type of a break. We agreed that the kids behave differently apart than together and how family refuses to help out with both. 

Up until that moment i'm sure she felt as alone as I had the past week. I felt defeated. Misunderstood even. Talking to her made me realize that as moms we go through a lot of the same things. We all have days we want to pull our hair out. Our lives are not story book perfect. You're not alone. That mom at the park you're hesitating to speak to also has rough days. She may not show it because she managed to brush her hair today or put on some make up, but you both can relate. We're not alone nor should we feel like we are. We are mothers. Let's stick together!

Watching In Amazement.

As a mother, the most rewarding part of motherhood is watching my children grow. There is something absolutely fascinating to me about watching them evolve into their own being that gives me joy. 

Every night as I lay them down for bed i reflect on the day and all of its adventures. Both my children are at a very "fun" age. Every single day they learn or do something new that strikes a cord in me. Whether it be something they said or did being their mother is the best. 

Lately, the boys relationship has evolved so greatly. There's something about watching siblings interact that melts me. I don't remember many great times growing up with my siblings. I remember feeling jealousy towards them. I remember fighting with my little brother a lot as well. When I look at my boys from day one they have been inseparable. They fall asleep holding hands and all you hear all day long is "c'mon baby." "Baby c'mon play baby." Yeah he nicknamed his brother baby. He very rarely calls him Logan or Logy. Their relationship is the best. 

I get a lot of "mommy I got it" and "mommy I do it" from my 2.5 year old. He is my little helper. Today helped me make bagel pizzas and brownie cookie bars. He actually put the ingredients in his own pizza. It was so fun and I could tell he enjoyed it. Today he also picked a doodle pad and crayons for himself. As I was cleaning up from cooking he sat on the sofa drawing a picture, saying the colors of his crayons and explaining to me what the picture was of. I stood watching him in amazement. 

My kids amaze me because I cant believe I brought them to this world. I look at them and see so much of us in them and it still amazes me that God trusted me with not one but two beautiful children. Those boys have the capability of making time stand still and lose me to their world and its so fun watching them grow. 

Traumatic Doctor Visit

Yesterday was my son's 12 month check up. Although we would be declining vaccines I took him in to discuss his reaction to weaning him off formula to regular cow's milk and an abscess that had developed on his bum. I was nervous about declining vaccines as it would be our first time, but I was ready to stand up for myself and my children. I wanted their pediatrician to listen to my wishes instead of me listening to them. 

The visit went a little like this. We arrived on time, I signed their record releases, and we waited about a half hour to be seen. We went back with the MA and she did his weight and length. He was 22lbs 10oz and 30 inches. Growing beautifully. My son seemed a bit anxious and every time I set him down he would cry. So it was evident that the hearing test she wanted to perform would not be happening. I picked my son up and rocked him. She told us she had to do a toe prick to check iron and lead levels and we let. I first hand did not see how she performed it, but she came back saying she needed to do it again because it didn't read right. 

As she gets things ready I lay my son down. He's already crying and I notice that she went to take blood from the same prick. I didn't say anything because shes supposed to know her job. For a good minute shes standing over my son squeezing his little toe that will obviously give her nothing. I took my son from her again and told her she needed to stop. At that moment another MA came in and told her she needed a new prick. Thats great except they used the same toe and now his toe is bruised. All through this my son is screaming. 

The doctor walks in about 10 minutes later and we addressed the abscess. While prepping to drain the abscess, the MA who previously fucked up his toe prick put her gloves on and THEN fixed her hair. Disgusting! My son was being held force my and screaming bloody murder. I honest to God thought he was going to pass out. it was all for nothing because they didn't drain a thing they swelled up my baby's bum. Smh 

His reaction to cow's milk was never addressed. She argued with me about my decision to not do soy milk and dismissed me with keep with the almond milk. In a if you don't want to do what I say then do what you want manner. I left feeling unheard and broken hearted. That has never happened to me with them and that was the one doctor we liked. 

Thankfully, we are moving in about a week so we have a chance to look for a doctor that listens and shares our beliefs. I just needed to let this out as it came with lots of emotion. 

Homemade Baby Wipes

I'm not sure when I decided to make my own wipes. Probably, when I decided that I wanted to cloth diaper for the remainder of our diapering lives with Logan, and any children in the future if we had any. I still haven't gotten around to getting a cloth diaper stash big enough to give up disposables all together, but I'm working on it. I decided to switch to make my own wipes because I was noticing my son having a diaper rash that never went away no matter what I put on it. Sometimes his rash even bled, and then I read the news story on a chemical that unscented wipes have. I use unscented wipes and the article said it may cause rashes.

I looked up how to make my own baby wipes. I chose one recipe from Pinterest seeing as most were the same. I used:

1 roll of Bounty paper towels (cut in half)

1.5 tspn of organic coconut oil (Trader Joe's brand)

2 c (16oz) warm water

2 drops of Burt's Bees shampoo/baby wash (found at Target, but can be found pretty much anywhere)

1 bowl (got mine at Target, actually 3 for $1)

Here's what I did: 

I made sure my work area was clean. I rinsed my bowl. I used a mixing bowl to mix together my water, baby wash and coconut oil. The coconut oil was hard so I took a bit of my water and heated it up with my oil so that it could melt. Once My solution was made, I poured it in my bowl and placed the paper towels inside. I covered them with the lid so as to squash the roll and get all of it moist. I then opened it and removed the cardboard piece. After the cardboard was removed it was simple to grab the first one from the middle inside and pull it out. I then transferred them to an old wipes box I had for easier use. All in all it cost me about $13 to make over 400 wipes with NO harsh chemicals. 

This is how they are being stored right now for use. I store in a cool dry place.

I used them for the first time on my son last night. It wasn't an awful poop, but because he is having issues with his milk it was pretty watery. The wipes are soft and didn't turn his skin red as I wiped. They held up nicely I didn't have "poop juice" seeping out into my hands while wiping as with the usual wipes. I only needed 3 and that is my usual. Nothing new or different just gentler and this morning my sons rash was already better. 

I'm waiting on my boyfriend's opinion on them, and then I will post what he thinks.

Here's the news article:

http://www.wfsb.com/story/24433149/preservative-in-baby-wipes-linked-to-rashes-in-some-children

Here's the Pinterest pin:

http://www.whitehouseblackshutters.com/homemade-organic-baby-wipes/

Things Never Spoken

I've been wanting to type this up for quite some time. See the thing is as parents we do and experience things that we don't really talk about. We endlessly post pictures, videos and status updates about our children, but its mostly the pretty stuff. We never talk about behind the scenes. Here I will shed light on my real life. I will list a bunch of "that moment" moments in my life with the kids. Here it goes...

• that moment when you shower with your children because that is the only way you will get a shower that day. 

• that moment when your children are so demanding you go about your day without brushing your teeth or doing your hair

• that moment when you finally get a bathroom break and you honestly cant remember the last time you peed alone...there's the child walking in

• that moment when all the food you have consumed is your child's left over

• that moment when all you want to do is sleep, so you cuddle with them and have them watch tv so you can doze off (here's to those tv all day long days...we all have them)

• those nights when you sleep with your ass half falling out because everyone found their spot on the bed and didnt think of you

• that moment when you're running out of diapers and cant get any until the next day so if the diaper isn't too heavy its not getting changed

• that moment when the toddler has an accident in his sleep and instead of changing the sheets and waking him you just put a towel over it and change his clothes. 

• that moment when you pull up to the driveway after work and sit in the car for an extra 15 minutes...all you want to do is enjoy the silence

Here's to the honest moms who are not afraid to be real about parenting. Thats all I have for now, but I'm sure as they continue to grow Ill have plenty more. Feel free to add your own :)

Adapting

I can't say much now. However, we have made some decision for our family and as we all know things don't always go as planned. Things were planned out to happen differently and then our car broke down. I hoped and prayed it was an easy fix. I prayed so hard that we would be capable of fixing it and still pay our rent and bills. That wasn't the case. The car needed a new transmission and the costs of everything was a combination of our rent and bills. 

We thought long and hard about things. With no savings amounting up to what we needed to spend our decision was evident. We decided to move into a family member's home, turn our apartment in and fix our car. After all, we needed a car to go to work. Maybe there were different things that could have been done, but at that moment doing it that way was the right decision for us.

Going from having our own space to sharing another's comes with great difficulties. We now all sleep in one room and although we are proud bedsharers the boys enjoyed having their own space.    They are having a tough time with this. Adjusting to being under a different roof. Trying to understand that they are not visiting for a bit they are here to stay until we move on to the next step in our lives. 

I won't lie. My heart broke into millions of little pieces when I had to tell my 2 year old we weren't going home. That he needed to sleep at grandpa's because this is where we would be living now. How do you get such a young mind to understand such an adult thing? I know its all things that come with the territory, but I wish with all my might that it was easier on my boys. I wish I didnt have to take them out of their element to make bigger things happen for them. 

If one day they grow up and ask about this the one thing I want them to know is that I know it was hard to adjust, but We did everything in our power to make them comfortable, and I want them to keep in mind that on that day we made the decision that seemed most logical for our situation. We would never make a decision that directly affected them without first considering every aspect.

Adjusting has been hard. They wake up screaming in the middle of the night looking for us even when we are right there. One day all our hardships will be a thing of the past and they will have everything I've always pictured for their life. 

Back To Basics

Stare at this for a minute. Let it sink in and think back to this movie. 

Humanity is doomed. This is what is being constructed for OUR children to play with. Creepishly familiar correct? 

Now to not think that I am advocating technology is the devil. I think technology is a wonderful thing that if used adequately can be very beneficial. However, too much of one thing is a bad thing. It holds true for alcohol, food, and even relationships. Think about it. 

For the longest time I have wanted to get my kids out of this crazy city life. I want to slow down. Enjoy nature. Explore. Build forts and play with dirt. I dream of a little house out in the country. Trips to the farm stand. Canning my family's goods. I dream of living mostly off the land. I dream of a place where my children climb trees. Ride horses. Pick apples. I want to get back to basics. 

It is sickening to me how many parents have purchased tablets for their young children. Kids who barely know how to read or write will be getting a tablet this Christmas. I'm not one to judge. My 2 year old picks up my phone from time to time and plays on it and I'm not judging. I'm just wondering where the times of playing with blocks and dress up went? 

What happened to imagination? I feel like society is trying to make us dumb. We need to take charge and wake up. See the world around us for what it really is. Do not let your children be raised in a world that runs solely on these type of things. Teach them what its like to really enjoy life! 

We Have It All Wrong

For many years, I have heard parents say things like "because I said so" or "because I'm the parent and you're the child" "i say what goes here". I always cringe. Children constantly get treated like less than what they are by their parents. Their word doesnt matter because they're just children. 

I am strongly for children being treated equal to us adults. Of course I don't hold the same expectations as for an adult, but children have feelings too. Things make them feel uncomfortable or they may want to express a dislike for something. They have a voice and should be encouraged to use it rather than shut it off from the very start. 

Now in adulthood I have constantly dealt with parents going against their children because the child has chosen to go about things their own way and I'm not just referring to small children. How many times in your adult life has your parent told you that you had it all wrong when all you were doing was sharing your decision? I constantly see it in my family! Parents on both sides always trying to control the decision of their children. 

We need to understand that our children are not our property. We cannot control our children. We can only teach lessons and guide throughout life. We can offer advice and our own experiences, but it is unfair to justify your control over what your children choose to do by saying I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Well guess what? They won't! 

Our children will choose their own path in life. All they want is our support and guidance. They will make their own mistakes. They are their own person and should be treated like so. Guide them every step of the way, but do not hound them as property for they are not. 

Favorites.

Ever since I was in my early teens even before C and I met; I knew that if I became anything in my life I wanted to be a mother. The beauty of it all fascinates me. From the moment a woman learns that she is expecting The creation of the mother begins. Its a process that leads up to that moment your child is born when nothing in the world matters but your baby.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The day I found out I was expecting my first it was so scary yet so exciting knowing that I would be embarking on this journey of nurturing and caring for the life growing within me and for years to come. The same happened with the news of my second although the level of fear was a bit more intense. 

There are three things I love about motherhood with my entire being. First is pregnancy. I love the anticipation that comes with waiting for the arrival of your little one. The countdown to the day it finally happens. All the nerves and anxiety that the wait bring. Second, the moment your child is born. That moment when all your anticipation is worth it. The moment you meet your little one and the world comes to a stop. That very moment when all else ceases and its just you and that baby. True love at first sight. A moment I can live in forever and ever and ever. And third, all the exciment that being a new mom brings. Whether its your first or fifth its always exciting. Every new thing they do is like you have never seen it before...even if your previous children have done the same. Nothing in the world can quite compare to the pride one feels as a parent when all those firsts happen for them. 

I had my children young. Early 20's! Most in my place would feel as if they have given everything up. I feel like I have gained it all. They are my world! I've never been big on all the things most people my age are into. No drinking every weekend or smoking everyday. I enjoy more simple things. The only things I miss about life without children is sleep endless sleep and privacy. The privacy to take showers without little heads and hands poking through the shower curtain or to pee in peace without someone interrupting and asking if I'm peeing or pooping. Even all that is worth it though. I love every minute!

Excuse My Mess!

Prior to having children I was extremely obsessive over my house being clean. I cleaned my house top to bottom every day all day over and over and over again. Everything from vaccuuming to wiping counters to rinsing the tub. Then I had my first child and went back to work. Not making the bed was ok. Not cleaning the bathroom everyday was ok. The trash being taken out every night was not an urgency. Taken care of my new baby was. 

When my son was almost 10 months old I found out I was expecting my second. As my pregnancy progressed getting things done became a nightmare. Laundry piled up. The rooms weren't vacuumed or mopped everyday. Not wiping counters was ok. I just wanted to be comfortable and spend time with my boy. When I brought my new baby home I had an 18 month old, an exclusively breastfed newborn and no help (until daddy came home from work)! It is an understatement to say that dishes piled up. The stove wasnt scrubbed every night anymore.

I want to clarify that it was not by choice. My anxiety on MOST days gets the best of me. Something in me screams perfection and if dishes are piled and floors are messy I want to rip my head off. It sucks. I become upset. It makes me want to throw everything in the trash, but I don't. I enjoy taking care of my family and as long as that is done I am happy. 

My family is my priority. To be honest when the time comes that my children are grown I won't really be wishing I had spent more time scrubbing floors or doing laundry and not making memories with my children. Cliche I know, but I'm serious I enjoy being their mom and caretaker. I sleep peacefully when they go to bed after a fun day even if the dishes from dinner are still in the sink. 

Just thoughts! Xoxo

I'm on a journey.

You may be asking yourself exactly what I am referring to. Well I'll answer that without hesitation. My journey is motherhood. Motherhood to me has a learning experience. I know how I want to raise my children, but my plan doesn't always go as I foresee it. 

I know I do not want to be the parent who yells and punishes. I feel like those type of things make a child stop their behavior temporarily, but they do not quite comprehend why it is wrong. I am not perfect. I have yelled. I have caught myself putting my son in time out, I have even smacked a hand for behavior that although not necessarily correct it is appropriate for a two year old. It's how a two year old behaves. Two year olds are rambunctious and sparrodic. Nothing wrong with that.

You're probably thinking I am a hypocrite. That's fine by all means go right ahead. What I want you to understand is that I am breaking a cycle. I grew up being yelled at for simple things as "texting my boyfriend too much" or "wanting to go on a date alone". That's the type of thing I go yelled at. My parents mostly my step father has ridiculous expectations for me. In school my grades were to all be A's anything lower and I failed. He would shame and tell me I could have done better because I got a B+ and not an A-. What kind of sh*t is that?

I would witness him tell my brother he was gay because my brother wanted to play with my "girl" toys. He would shame him for crying, and he was not allowed to do house chores because those were for the women. My older sister would repeatedly get beat for standing up for herself. For not letting that coward shame her from being her own person. It was some dark times. That's the cycle I have to break. 

It's a daily struggle. Sometimes my son acts out and it takes every bit of me to not yell at him. Most times I am successful sometimes I am not  and I yell. I am only human. Sometimes my son will smack me while having a tantrum and I have to breath and tell myself that he did not mean that and there is no need to react by smacking back. Sometimes my reaction gets the best of me and I smack his hands or yell, and the I feel broken and guilty. I feel like I failed my son. I apologize and cry about this a lot. 

I want to be better. Going through some things the other day I found the following picture:

It is very hard to not have a tantrum of my own. I am stressed and sleep deprived, but I have a bigger understanding that my sons are just now getting to know the world and how it works. It is totally normal for them to become impatient and agitated when I cannot give them my attention right away. 

I want to be the parent who listens. The parent who supports and is proud despite what path my boys decides to take. The parent who does not pass judgement or shames them, but instead uplifts and guides them. I am still a work in progress. I am not perfect nor do I intend to be. I just want to be better today than I was yesterday and continue learning! 

Rough Days

Everyone has one of those days when they want to just say "f*ck it". The past two days have been those kind of days for me. They have been so incredibly hard to come by that as a result I have a migraine. I've been to the overflowing point of frustration and have more than once ended in tears.

I love my kids, don't ever think I don't or that I the least bit regret them because I don't. I just wish things were easier. I wish I hadn't done it all backwards. I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant without a career. I wish before I brought them to this world I had figured out what I wanted out of life. The reality of it is though that if it wasn't for them I would have never been so passionate about what I want to accomplish. 

My boyfriend always says our situation os a means to an end. I am so looking forward to that end. The end when I will no longer worry about bills or how we'll pay for diapers. The end when I won't have to choose between gas in the car or a gallon of milk. When I can just as easily go to Dunkin' Donuts and grab a coffee without having to consider every penny spent. It seems silly, but I worry so much I obsess over these things. 

We don't have it bad. Our bills get paid. Our kids are fed. The baby has diapers, but my anxiety haunts me. We have worked so hard for everything we have that I constantly fear waking up one day and loosing it all. I fear that one day I'll wake up and the father of my children will no longer want to be here because its just too much. I don't blame him. We're young, only 22 and 25. We have a ton of responsibility on our shoulders, and why is that? Because we have chosen to do it on our own. Mommy and daddy don't pay our bills or watch our boys for any reason. We are making it happen for our kids on our own. 

I admit its hard. A lot of the time I want to throw in the towel, but at the end if the day this is temporary. When we reach the top we won't owe anyone a thing! However, right now in the midst of my storm my anxiety is getting the best of me. I find myself breathing deeper, walking away more often when the kids are being tough, wanting a break so badly, and feeling guilty about it all. 

I know these days won't last forever. I know the baby will eventually stop teething and the toddler will stop acting out once he understands that patience is a virtue. Its just right now its rough! With daddy away so much we find ourselves alone a lot, and daddy is still at work is hard for them to understand.

I have deposited myself in the Lord's hands. Asking Him to heal my heart so full of fear, to give me joy and strength, and to guide me in the direction that is accordingly perfect for his plan for me. 

Good night everyone! Until next time.

Helpless

Today was just "one of those days". I'm pretty sure if teething was a person or object I would have beaten the crap out of it already! Seriously? How cruel do you have to be to make a mother feel so helpless? Broken? Dysfunctional? Just plain dumb! :(

My poor 6 month old has been cutting his bottom two teeth for what seems like ages. We've had issues with just about everything including nursing because of it. However, today was top of the charts awful. I have NEVER seen such a young baby cry so unconsolably for so long. 

He cried for an hour and a half. There was no comforting him. No matter what I did he was miserable. Not even holding him and a lullaby on YouTube helped...and it usually does. It broke me into a million tiny pieces not knowing what was exactly wrong or what to do about it. I don't believe in CIO "cry it out", but I had no choice. He wouldn't stop crying no matter what I did. 

I felt like a bad mother. At that moment I broken down to tears with him. What was I to do? My poor baby was miserable and I couldn't help. I don't really give him medications because he's so young and things like Hyland's teething tablets have been recalled before for causing seizures. Instead I have tried crushed ice in a receiving blanket. Usually it works. Today it didn't.

This is the part of their lives I wish I could skip or at least I wish I could take their place. Feel their pain for them, but if I did that then they wouldn't develop into their own selves. 

Good night. Praying for some sleep. Until next time! :)