I'm on a journey.

You may be asking yourself exactly what I am referring to. Well I'll answer that without hesitation. My journey is motherhood. Motherhood to me has a learning experience. I know how I want to raise my children, but my plan doesn't always go as I foresee it. 

I know I do not want to be the parent who yells and punishes. I feel like those type of things make a child stop their behavior temporarily, but they do not quite comprehend why it is wrong. I am not perfect. I have yelled. I have caught myself putting my son in time out, I have even smacked a hand for behavior that although not necessarily correct it is appropriate for a two year old. It's how a two year old behaves. Two year olds are rambunctious and sparrodic. Nothing wrong with that.

You're probably thinking I am a hypocrite. That's fine by all means go right ahead. What I want you to understand is that I am breaking a cycle. I grew up being yelled at for simple things as "texting my boyfriend too much" or "wanting to go on a date alone". That's the type of thing I go yelled at. My parents mostly my step father has ridiculous expectations for me. In school my grades were to all be A's anything lower and I failed. He would shame and tell me I could have done better because I got a B+ and not an A-. What kind of sh*t is that?

I would witness him tell my brother he was gay because my brother wanted to play with my "girl" toys. He would shame him for crying, and he was not allowed to do house chores because those were for the women. My older sister would repeatedly get beat for standing up for herself. For not letting that coward shame her from being her own person. It was some dark times. That's the cycle I have to break. 

It's a daily struggle. Sometimes my son acts out and it takes every bit of me to not yell at him. Most times I am successful sometimes I am not  and I yell. I am only human. Sometimes my son will smack me while having a tantrum and I have to breath and tell myself that he did not mean that and there is no need to react by smacking back. Sometimes my reaction gets the best of me and I smack his hands or yell, and the I feel broken and guilty. I feel like I failed my son. I apologize and cry about this a lot. 

I want to be better. Going through some things the other day I found the following picture:

It is very hard to not have a tantrum of my own. I am stressed and sleep deprived, but I have a bigger understanding that my sons are just now getting to know the world and how it works. It is totally normal for them to become impatient and agitated when I cannot give them my attention right away. 

I want to be the parent who listens. The parent who supports and is proud despite what path my boys decides to take. The parent who does not pass judgement or shames them, but instead uplifts and guides them. I am still a work in progress. I am not perfect nor do I intend to be. I just want to be better today than I was yesterday and continue learning!