Late nights, long days...they're worth it.

Yesterday was a rough day. If I'm honest I've had a rough week. The baby still does not sleep through the night & although both boys are fast asleep by 9pm I usually stay up way past that. I can't really help it. It's the only time I get with my honey, so at times I'm not sleeping until 1am or so (he has two jobs so on nights he works that job he's not home until 12/12:30 midnight). Its hard. Some days I feel like a single mom. 

He's not a bad dad. He's pretty hands on when he is around, but everything is mostly up to me because he's always working. I can no longer share night time feedings or changing diapers because he's working so much and needs to sleep to be up at 6am for his next job. I'm sure you're shaking your head because you're wondering how he does it. His family is his drive; thats the only thing that keeps him going! I just miss him and his help. 

I miss it being 50/50. Even on the weekends when I usually work mornings I find myself having to get up to feed the baby because he needs to rest. I don't get naps anymore, or me time. He doesn't get time to himself either, but part of me is so jealous that he gets to leave regularly. I understand why he's doing it, but the lack of time he's here bothers me. I don't hold anything against him. I understand that he isn't away voluntarily, but some days its just all too much. 

These days I only get breathers when I go to work. Yesterday I was supposed to work at night, but was told not to go in. I decided to still pay my sitter and take a few hours to myself. I feel like that is so crucial to keeping my sanity. It goes hand in hand with deep breaths and prayers for me. It got me through yesterday! The lack of sleep is wearing my patience thin and it was nice to just refresh my mind with a little time away.

I matter just as much as my boys do! I can't not take care of myself . In order to be capable of raising healthy children I need to be a healthy mom. This is beyond worth it to me though. Looking at my boys faces. The innocent smiles in their sleep. Just how far their love for me goes and how unconditionally they love despite how imperfect I am ..makes the rough days so worth it. 

Even though its hard now they won't be this little forever. They will grow and I will miss these days. With their growth will come new challenges. New obstacles to face, but they will make it worth living for.