Logan UPDATE!

My last post about my son was and still is very personal. I expressed feelings that I hadn't necessiraly expressed to many, but like I wrote there it helps me to talk about it. So I figured I could keep some sort of "journal" about his progress and his care on here. 

 

Last time I touched based on how he already has a speech therapist. We're waiting to hear back from insurance on approval for therapy 3 times a week. On Tuesday we had an ENT appointment for a hearing test. Logan failed. He has moderate hearing loss. I was told that in order for him to hear things have to be louder. The ENT doctor took a look at him and said there is minimum ear drum movement due to fluid and an infection that seems like it's been ongoing, but undiscovered. She did an ear irrigation to clean out all the wax, and decided that surgery for ear tubes was necessary to attempt getting his hearing back to normal. 

Because the infection and fluid seem to have been undiscovered for quite some time we're not sure if his "hearing loss" is the cause of his speech delay or if his ear drum is damaged. We don't even know if it all has caused the damage. The tubes will stay in for a year. Four weeks after surgery his hearing will be retested. If normal he will continue to do his speech therapy and we will observe his behavior changes. If despite all this he is still doing the things I mentioned or if he regresses in any way we will be furthering his evaluations. 

No matter how "simple" any surgery is there are still risks and this is my baby we're talking about. Of course I'm scared for him. I'm worried, and I wish I could take his place. Surgery is set for September 9th the time is still unknown as it's a surgery center doing it and patients are scheduled by age. 

Since his ear irrigation I have seen some improvement in how quickly he responds to his name. It takes me less Logan's to get him to respond. He understands when I say sit if I hand motion him to sit, and he understand no if I shake my head.

Next update on him will be after surgery. Xoxo

Bad Mom

Today I was a bad mom. I know I'm not a bad mom, but today I felt like it. My oldest toddler is gettin very challenging. I know I should be more patient, but old habits die hard. I'm trying to be a better person and a better mother. Why was it that today when he yelled at me my first response was to pop him in the mouth?He cried and ran off. I cried and went in the other direction. Now that I think of it I never even apologized. I've been bad today! 

Why cant I be who I want to be overnight? I hate the things that are so challenging to stop. I feel as if I have failed my children. As if I am doing more harm than good, but traditional forms of discipline dont suit well with me. The way I see it is there has to be better ways. Things can't just be a you are told they are your entire life. What else is there?

Each and every single day in my journey as a mother is a challenging one. I don't proclaim to be the perfect mom because I am not. There is no perfect. I just want to be and do better because I know better. Each and every single day when my children test our boundaries; I am faces with a battle between what I have always known and all that I want to do differently. Most times I am capable of beating my demons. Other times they lash out before I can stop them and I find myself repeating what I said I'd never do. I want to be more gentle with them. More compassionate. Treat them more as ther own person rather than my property. At times I feel like a recovering addict who relapses. I just want better than what I had for my boys!

Am I a bad mom? No. I am a struggling mom. A mom trying to change her ways. Reprogram her brain to something shes never been exposed to. I am a good mom for wanting better. I am a good mom trying. A good mom for doing better. Everyone is allow mistakes. What matters is that we learn from them and move on. 

Everyone knows my boys can be a challenge to me. I chase wanting to be a better mother for them so much that I forget I am already a good mother to them. They don't hate me. Nor will they hate me if I have a rough day. I am human. Those boys have saved my life! They opened my eyes to everything I didn't know was out in the world. They are my guides. My guides to a more natural, peaceful lifestyle. They chose me as their mom. I am perfect in their eyes. 

If you feel as if you're a bad mom let me tell you that you are a WONDERFUL mom! You're doing the best you can. You have made it this far just keep pushing. Your baby/ies need you. Keep chasing better!

They are EVERYTHING!

Late nights, long days...they're worth it.

Yesterday was a rough day. If I'm honest I've had a rough week. The baby still does not sleep through the night & although both boys are fast asleep by 9pm I usually stay up way past that. I can't really help it. It's the only time I get with my honey, so at times I'm not sleeping until 1am or so (he has two jobs so on nights he works that job he's not home until 12/12:30 midnight). Its hard. Some days I feel like a single mom. 

He's not a bad dad. He's pretty hands on when he is around, but everything is mostly up to me because he's always working. I can no longer share night time feedings or changing diapers because he's working so much and needs to sleep to be up at 6am for his next job. I'm sure you're shaking your head because you're wondering how he does it. His family is his drive; thats the only thing that keeps him going! I just miss him and his help. 

I miss it being 50/50. Even on the weekends when I usually work mornings I find myself having to get up to feed the baby because he needs to rest. I don't get naps anymore, or me time. He doesn't get time to himself either, but part of me is so jealous that he gets to leave regularly. I understand why he's doing it, but the lack of time he's here bothers me. I don't hold anything against him. I understand that he isn't away voluntarily, but some days its just all too much. 

These days I only get breathers when I go to work. Yesterday I was supposed to work at night, but was told not to go in. I decided to still pay my sitter and take a few hours to myself. I feel like that is so crucial to keeping my sanity. It goes hand in hand with deep breaths and prayers for me. It got me through yesterday! The lack of sleep is wearing my patience thin and it was nice to just refresh my mind with a little time away.

I matter just as much as my boys do! I can't not take care of myself . In order to be capable of raising healthy children I need to be a healthy mom. This is beyond worth it to me though. Looking at my boys faces. The innocent smiles in their sleep. Just how far their love for me goes and how unconditionally they love despite how imperfect I am ..makes the rough days so worth it. 

Even though its hard now they won't be this little forever. They will grow and I will miss these days. With their growth will come new challenges. New obstacles to face, but they will make it worth living for.