Letting Go.

Have you ever set goals for yourself and then realized that's not the path you're going down? Then you begin to feel frustrated trying to accomplish goals that just aren't you anymore? I have. I'm going through the motions of that right now. I'm struggling to come to terms that it's ok for goals to change when life changes. Not that I've backed down because the going is getting tough, but I've had an epiphany.

Remember that post about wanting to homeschool? Which I still very much want to do. However, I've come to realize that being a sahm isn't what I really want to do. I want to work. I know I can do it from home, but that's not what I want to do either. I want to physically go out and work for a living. I know I may be crazy for all of this. Shocking a mom wanting to work, but I feel like I've been kept from things my entire life. I want to shine. 

That's not to say that my children's education is not of my upmost priority. Rest assured that it is. I want my children to thrive. I want them to be successful. I want them to do great things, but I have to give them a chance. Public school wasn't my first choice, but I know I can make it work. I don't know if it's not the choice for them yet. I have to allow them to discover that. I have to allow them to show me what works for them and what doesn't. Inorder to make it all work, I have to be willing to stay involved. Help with homework and projects. Attend school functions, and conferences. If I want them to thrive I have to be part of their education. 

I feel like part of the problem is parents don't stay involved. Parents expect the school to teach their children everything. There are some things that schools can't teach. My children will be great no matter how they get their education. They will be great because that's what they want for themselves...if they do. Not because I pushed it on them. 

A part of me feels guilty. I'm backing down from a goal. However, I've chosen to let go. I have to be realistic, and I have to also consider myself. I've chosen to embrace our current situation and move forward. Live today for what it is and not get ahead of myself. Who knows, maybe a year or two from now we will get to homeschool. I can't get too ahead of myself, life changes rapidly.

A Letter to My First Son

Dear Mason, 

I know you and I have been struggling a lot understanding each other the past few months. It's been hard communicating our needs to each other without yelling. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. At the end of the day I'm wiped out. 

I'll start by saying that you're such a wonderful kid. You're so creative, driven, and nurturing. You're so yourself, unapologetically. That's what I aim for in raising you. For you to know that you can be yourself at all times. I admire your love for others. Your bond with your brothers melts my heart. You look out for him like only a big brother could. Even if you fight five minutes later you're hugging and kissing him. I love you for that part of you that is so accepting of others. 

Turning 3 has been hard for both of us. I feel like you've grown up so fast, and I blame myself for some of that. In thinking I was doing what was right I did everything wrong. I didn't know then what I know now, but I'm so sorry I made you grow up so fast. I'm so proud of you. You've adapted so well to so many changes thrown at you, but I'm sorry you had to. I'm proud of how smart you are and how easily you learn things. I know sometimes it seems like because you're 3 you're just expected to know things. 

I'm sorry I get frustrated and yell. I'm sorry sometimes I don't want to play. I'm sorry I don't read you more books or spend more one on one. I hope that with daddy changing jobs we both get to do that with you more. You deserve that, and so much more. 

I want us to understand each other. I promise to try harder. To focus more on the positives than the negatives. 

Love, 

Mom xoxoj

Logan UPDATE!

My last post about my son was and still is very personal. I expressed feelings that I hadn't necessiraly expressed to many, but like I wrote there it helps me to talk about it. So I figured I could keep some sort of "journal" about his progress and his care on here. 

 

Last time I touched based on how he already has a speech therapist. We're waiting to hear back from insurance on approval for therapy 3 times a week. On Tuesday we had an ENT appointment for a hearing test. Logan failed. He has moderate hearing loss. I was told that in order for him to hear things have to be louder. The ENT doctor took a look at him and said there is minimum ear drum movement due to fluid and an infection that seems like it's been ongoing, but undiscovered. She did an ear irrigation to clean out all the wax, and decided that surgery for ear tubes was necessary to attempt getting his hearing back to normal. 

Because the infection and fluid seem to have been undiscovered for quite some time we're not sure if his "hearing loss" is the cause of his speech delay or if his ear drum is damaged. We don't even know if it all has caused the damage. The tubes will stay in for a year. Four weeks after surgery his hearing will be retested. If normal he will continue to do his speech therapy and we will observe his behavior changes. If despite all this he is still doing the things I mentioned or if he regresses in any way we will be furthering his evaluations. 

No matter how "simple" any surgery is there are still risks and this is my baby we're talking about. Of course I'm scared for him. I'm worried, and I wish I could take his place. Surgery is set for September 9th the time is still unknown as it's a surgery center doing it and patients are scheduled by age. 

Since his ear irrigation I have seen some improvement in how quickly he responds to his name. It takes me less Logan's to get him to respond. He understands when I say sit if I hand motion him to sit, and he understand no if I shake my head.

Next update on him will be after surgery. Xoxo

Looking For Answers

This post has been a long time coming. I never speak on this topic with anyone really. I will discuss the situation, but my feelings on it have always been reserved. I've been called "crazy" one too many times and I've opted to keep everyone out of it. However, talking about it makes it easier to deal with. I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for us. I simply want my son to have the same quality of life as the next person. I want him to be accepted and understood regardless of how different he may be from someone else. 

I don't quite remember when it all began. Maybe it was with his aversion to certain foods or the numerous times we attempted to teach him words like mama and dada. His lack of response made me start wondering if something was going on with him. Everyone kept saying to me he'll outgrow it. It's just a phase, but my momma instinct kept saying otherwise. It still says I need to dig for more answers. At his 15 month his doctor told us he was fine. Told us everything he was doing was normal and to keep doing what we were doing. At the time Logan was saying thank you, dada, and stop. By 18 months nothing. No new words or old. My son regressed. 

Since then he has seen a speech pathologist and been diagnosed with a speech and communication impairment. He will get therapy to help him learn ways to communicate not only with others, but also communicate his needs. I'm glad something is happening, but that's not answering everything else that's going on. 

I still need answers as to why he gags at the mere sight of some foods? Why won't he wear shoes or socks? Why does he refuse to brush his teeth? I still need answers as to why he bangs his head on the walls or floor. I need answer as to why he twirls around in circles while hitting his head or ears. Why does he seem to look past me instead of at me? Why? Why does my son become so overwhelmed? Why does he isolate himself? Why does he scream his way through the store if we're not in and out in tops 15 minutes time? This doesn't answer those things amongst others! 

Ive been beyond naive. When he was born I thought I knew it all. He is my second and having already had one I thought I knew exactly how everything would be. I ignorantly thought I was somehow immune to a special needs child because my first was so "easy". I told myself I'd never be a special needs mom. I wasn't built for it. Well I'm doing it. God sure has a way of humbling people. Special needs is not a burden. It is the most rewarding gift I could have ever been given. 

Sure, there's tough days. Some days I look at my son and wonder what I did wrong. Do I spend enough one on one with him? Did start too late trying to teach him certain things? Should I have breastfed longer? Have I made him this way by attachment parenting? And the most hurtful...is this all my fault for continuing the medication!? I have no answers to anything right now. The only thing I know for sure is that I love him more than anyone ever possibly could. I love him beyond this situation, and I will do all that's in my power for him to have the life he deserves. 

If you look at him you wouldn't even know. People don't understand. People think I can't control my child. People think he's a brat and a "spanking" will fix it. Truth is, I don't want to "fix" him because he's not broken. He's special. He's smart. He's different. But certainly not broken.