One Day at a Time.

Image Credit: Google Images.

One day at a time is my new motto. I cannot dwell on yesterday or worry about tomorrow. I must focus on today. It's choosing everyday to celebrate the little things. Like getting to have coffee before the day's chaos begins or the kids take a nap AT THE SAME TIME! That happens so rarely that I would celebrate regardless, but you get the point. Positives over negatives. Look at the negatives with a positive outlook. 

That can be so hard sometimes. Actually that's always hard. It's hard to keep a positive mindset when all things seem to be against you. Last weekend we were driving to one of Logan's many appointments that week, and I asked Carlos if everyone really struggles like we do. I was in a very negative mindset. Mentally and emotionally exhausted from all the week's events. As I observed traffic I wondered what everyone is always such in a rush for and if anyone ever feels like I am. 

I'm pretty sure plenty have before me and plenty will after me. I am not alone. I pray a lot. No I don't bow down or get on my knees, but I am in constant conversation with the Lord. Lately, I've asked a lot of why me? Why my son? I've felt so alone. So, because I wonder if people ever go through what we do God showed me they do, and that I should never judge a book by its cover. 

On Wednesday while at work, a customer walks in. It was almost closing time. He asked where the Aquaphor was. When he came over to check out he asked, "Do you have any store coupons I could use?" My response was, "no sir, we don't keep coupons in the store." I thought he's so well dressed he's just seeking a discount not wanting to pay full price. He was well dressed. Very well groomed. How superficial of me right? When he went to pay he pulled out a Ziploc full of coins and said, "this is all I could scrape together." 

The way he was dressed meant nothing. He is struggling just like the rest of us. Perhaps he was dressed the way he was because he was seeking employment. That instance everything came into perspective. It really really clicked! We're all fighting our own battles. We all worry about tomorrow. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Someone always has it worse than you. I am blessed no matter what! 

Logan's situation has humbled us. We are more compassionate and sympathetic because of it. Finding out that my child has special needs changed me. It softened my heart for more moms than before. I now don't roll my eyes at the mom struggling with her cranky child. That is me a lot. I give her a warm smile because I know what it's like to be glared at. I've turned red and hot of embarrassment too. 

As humans, we are so quick to throw judgement, but very lazy to lending a hand. All we need is love. Compassion. Understanding. 

What are some things that have brought life into perspective? 

Xoxo

Letting Go.

Have you ever set goals for yourself and then realized that's not the path you're going down? Then you begin to feel frustrated trying to accomplish goals that just aren't you anymore? I have. I'm going through the motions of that right now. I'm struggling to come to terms that it's ok for goals to change when life changes. Not that I've backed down because the going is getting tough, but I've had an epiphany.

Remember that post about wanting to homeschool? Which I still very much want to do. However, I've come to realize that being a sahm isn't what I really want to do. I want to work. I know I can do it from home, but that's not what I want to do either. I want to physically go out and work for a living. I know I may be crazy for all of this. Shocking a mom wanting to work, but I feel like I've been kept from things my entire life. I want to shine. 

That's not to say that my children's education is not of my upmost priority. Rest assured that it is. I want my children to thrive. I want them to be successful. I want them to do great things, but I have to give them a chance. Public school wasn't my first choice, but I know I can make it work. I don't know if it's not the choice for them yet. I have to allow them to discover that. I have to allow them to show me what works for them and what doesn't. Inorder to make it all work, I have to be willing to stay involved. Help with homework and projects. Attend school functions, and conferences. If I want them to thrive I have to be part of their education. 

I feel like part of the problem is parents don't stay involved. Parents expect the school to teach their children everything. There are some things that schools can't teach. My children will be great no matter how they get their education. They will be great because that's what they want for themselves...if they do. Not because I pushed it on them. 

A part of me feels guilty. I'm backing down from a goal. However, I've chosen to let go. I have to be realistic, and I have to also consider myself. I've chosen to embrace our current situation and move forward. Live today for what it is and not get ahead of myself. Who knows, maybe a year or two from now we will get to homeschool. I can't get too ahead of myself, life changes rapidly.

Family Meals

Growing up having dinner together every night, and breakfast on Sundays was a big deal. We tried very hard to alway keep up with this. Of course we all grew up and had our own thing going. However, family meals was a value I took with me when I began my own family. 

We work contradicting schedules and all meals don't always happen as a family. I have eaten plenty of meals alone on the table, or over the kitchen sink while browsing Facebook or Instagram. Now that we have our own place and are settling into home life once again we make it our business to have AT LEAST one meal a day as a family. Somedays it's breakfast others dinner, and other days it may not be any because one of us is missing. 

I find this time though very sacred. Our phones are not in site, and the TV is off. Some music may be playing, but for the most part we just enjoy each other. We talk and laugh about the silliness of our boys, but that time brings us closer. I hope that like me, my boys take this value with them when they decide to begin their own family.

The end is near.

No not the end of the world. Our family bed days are coming to an end. Not entirely, but for the most part. 

I'm finding myself having an issue with privacy. For the past 6 months we have been sharing a room and a bed with the boys. I miss having our own space even if it was during the early hours of the night. It didn't matter because it was time we spent in our bed whether we were intimate or not, but not having to whisper and use our phones for lighting. 

The little things mean the most to me. We love bedsharing. We love our family bed. We got a king for those reasons exactly. Our biggest issue? We were used to putting the boys to sleep in our bed then transferring them to their own beds in their own room. Around 2/3am some nights they would end up back in our beds mostly the baby, other nights they would not. It was hit or miss, but our family bed was not entirely theirs. 

I feel like they have taken over our space and its time we kick them out. I'm finding myself mourning for the nights I'll have to be tougher on them to stay on their beds at nights, but also for the nights I wont get to cuddle my babies through the night. I just don't always want to wake up children pulling my hair or screaming in my ear. I miss how it all used to be. Am I selfish? 

Maybe I am being a little superficial. Afterall, they are only this little once. They still need their mommy for a lot of things, but lately I feel as if I'm taking care of everyone except me. 

I still want to wake up to them some morning. We all sleep better if we're together specially if one of them is sick. However, I want to sleep in the arms of my beloved again. I have given my all to being the best mother I can be and I will never stop short of that, but a part of me belongs to the man I created my children with and for the past 6 months she hasnt  been here. 

With that said, I am anxiously looking forward to us being on our own again and getting the boys their own room. ❤️

Traumatic Doctor Visit

Yesterday was my son's 12 month check up. Although we would be declining vaccines I took him in to discuss his reaction to weaning him off formula to regular cow's milk and an abscess that had developed on his bum. I was nervous about declining vaccines as it would be our first time, but I was ready to stand up for myself and my children. I wanted their pediatrician to listen to my wishes instead of me listening to them. 

The visit went a little like this. We arrived on time, I signed their record releases, and we waited about a half hour to be seen. We went back with the MA and she did his weight and length. He was 22lbs 10oz and 30 inches. Growing beautifully. My son seemed a bit anxious and every time I set him down he would cry. So it was evident that the hearing test she wanted to perform would not be happening. I picked my son up and rocked him. She told us she had to do a toe prick to check iron and lead levels and we let. I first hand did not see how she performed it, but she came back saying she needed to do it again because it didn't read right. 

As she gets things ready I lay my son down. He's already crying and I notice that she went to take blood from the same prick. I didn't say anything because shes supposed to know her job. For a good minute shes standing over my son squeezing his little toe that will obviously give her nothing. I took my son from her again and told her she needed to stop. At that moment another MA came in and told her she needed a new prick. Thats great except they used the same toe and now his toe is bruised. All through this my son is screaming. 

The doctor walks in about 10 minutes later and we addressed the abscess. While prepping to drain the abscess, the MA who previously fucked up his toe prick put her gloves on and THEN fixed her hair. Disgusting! My son was being held force my and screaming bloody murder. I honest to God thought he was going to pass out. it was all for nothing because they didn't drain a thing they swelled up my baby's bum. Smh 

His reaction to cow's milk was never addressed. She argued with me about my decision to not do soy milk and dismissed me with keep with the almond milk. In a if you don't want to do what I say then do what you want manner. I left feeling unheard and broken hearted. That has never happened to me with them and that was the one doctor we liked. 

Thankfully, we are moving in about a week so we have a chance to look for a doctor that listens and shares our beliefs. I just needed to let this out as it came with lots of emotion. 

The Wrong Message

I love the show Dateline, so whenever it is shown on TV I try to watch. For the most part I watch because they look into unsolved crimes or developing stories. Tonight it was a bit different though. Tonight they were talking about children wanting and getting elective plastic surgery because of bullying. My attention was immediately drawn. 

I tried listening closely and from what I could understand all but one teen wanted surgery because he/she was bullied and saw themselves as ugly. They wanted to change the way they looked so that the bullying would stop. They couldn't afford surgery though. One way or another they heard about some foundation who donates these surgeries to children with birth defects...I didn't even know such thing existed. 

Anyway, the way it works is you send in your letter, application and pictures and the group of doctors sits around a table to discuss your case. They evaluate you and look into how "severe" your deformity is and decide if you're worth of the surgery. It shook me. How do you tell a child if they are worth of something or not? In their heads they need this and their case is just as severe as the next. How do you tell them they aren't important enough?

Plus is the wrong message not being sent? Are we not telling these children that in order to be accepted they have to change themselves? I'm all for surgery on a child that has some sort of severe birth deformity like a cleft lip. However, to tell me that a child who is not happy with their nose or ears should have surgery to feel better is outrageous to me. As I listened to the head surgeon tell these kids he suggested a new chin or pinned ears I felt sad. Even the host mentioned how no this child who wasn't worried about x or y thing will be contemplating it because a doctor said it should be changed. 

What is your real message? Are we not supposed to teach our children to love themselves for who they are? That looks are not everything? And is a nose job or chin implant really going to solve underlying issues the child may have? Low self esteem cant be fixed with a knife and some stitches. Fixing self esteem issues is about building the child up. Encouraging them of the positives.

Isn't this in a way building a path for our children to fall deeper into the roller coaster that tells them they are supposed to look a certain way? Act a certain way? Dress a certain way to be accepted? Let's teach our children about inner beauty. Lets teach them about accepting themselves and their peers. 

Much love! Xoxo

Back To Basics

Stare at this for a minute. Let it sink in and think back to this movie. 

Humanity is doomed. This is what is being constructed for OUR children to play with. Creepishly familiar correct? 

Now to not think that I am advocating technology is the devil. I think technology is a wonderful thing that if used adequately can be very beneficial. However, too much of one thing is a bad thing. It holds true for alcohol, food, and even relationships. Think about it. 

For the longest time I have wanted to get my kids out of this crazy city life. I want to slow down. Enjoy nature. Explore. Build forts and play with dirt. I dream of a little house out in the country. Trips to the farm stand. Canning my family's goods. I dream of living mostly off the land. I dream of a place where my children climb trees. Ride horses. Pick apples. I want to get back to basics. 

It is sickening to me how many parents have purchased tablets for their young children. Kids who barely know how to read or write will be getting a tablet this Christmas. I'm not one to judge. My 2 year old picks up my phone from time to time and plays on it and I'm not judging. I'm just wondering where the times of playing with blocks and dress up went? 

What happened to imagination? I feel like society is trying to make us dumb. We need to take charge and wake up. See the world around us for what it really is. Do not let your children be raised in a world that runs solely on these type of things. Teach them what its like to really enjoy life! 

The Man Beside Me

There's a saying that goes something like "behind every great man is a great woman" an vice versa. I strongly believe that it is not BEHIND, but BESIDE! 

I don't talk about my relationship a lot. I don't post about how "great" or "bad" he is on a regular. I really try to keep our relationship as private as possible. Sometimes though credit should be given where credit is due. 

The man by my side has been great. He's not perfect, but he tries. He loves his family without hesitation and works hard for us without complaint. He's been amazing about compromise when it comes to how we raise our boys, and has always tried things before critiquing them. 

He is my biggest fan! Even when the rest of the world doesnt support me hes right there rooting me on. He has embraced my vision as his own and works with me to get our family to that ultimate place. He has been nothing short of amazing about changing his eating habits and the way he disciplines for the sake of giving our children the best. 

The man beside me deserves a shout out for his greatness once in a while! ❤️

Taking Care of Your Relationship.

Parenthood comes with lots of sacrifices and adjustments. Not sure about you, but with me parenthood came with the sacrifice of sleep, every dime must be worked around the needs of my children and things that directly affect them. In the most of all that I have a relationship I cannot neglect. 

See, when I discovered I was expecting my main concern was how my children would affect our relationship. Would our communication go down hill. Would our financial status get the best of us? Would the lack of time together drive us to the brink of a break up? I didnt obsess about it, but it was something that was in te back of my mind. 

Last night my SO and I went on a date for the first time in I don't remember how many months. That makes me sad in a way. I know I am not alone, but I begin to wonder how there are mothers going out 1-3 times a week. My life is work, home, kids and back at it the next day. That's when sacrifices come in. 

Because my boys' father and I have no help what so ever from any outside source our work schedules work around each other. That means we both are never at home on the same day for long. Never with enough time to get away...not that anyone would be willing to take the boys for us anyway. There's always an excuse from family. There's no grandma that offers to help us. There's no sitter we can trust enough to pay her for a couple hours because our first and last experience didn't go so well, so what do we do? 

We sacrifice our sleep! When our boys are down for bed we spend every last waking minute together until our eyes give out. We try to keep it all alive with texting each other cute little things or doing nice things for one another. My favorite is letting the other sleep a few extra hours and I know he would agree. On the off chance that my brother or his is willing to watch the boys we go to dinner or a movie, and sometimes we're even willing to sit in the car at a park for no reason but just to enjoy the quiet time.   

Keeping our communication is so crucial. Its how we take care of our relationship. If something makes one of us uncomfrotable or hurts us whatever it may be; it is so important to speak up. We will sometimes start talking about nothing in particular and thats how we allow each other to speak up on certain things. Parenthood doesn't have to doom your relationship as many put it out to be. You dont have to go out every week to make it special. It can be as simple as a movie and ice cream after the kids have gone to bed. 

Until next time! ❤️

Reality.

It was a rough week, and this week will be another tough week. No I'm not declaring negativity upon my days already. I make the best of my days. By rough/tough I mean that my boys will again have to go 3-4 days without seeing their father. 

You're probably wondering why. Well, he has two jobs. On most days he's gone 18 hours out of the day! My boys are only able to hear his voice (if they aren't asleep) in a couple of phone calls a day. It's a shame, and it breaks my heart.

Not only does he have to go out and work two jobs nearly 80 hours a week so that we can afford to live, but I also have to work average 15-20hrs (if I'm lucky) a week, so that we can be good. For our wage, which is much higher than $8.00/hr we have to work like dogs to afford our lives. Maybe its true what they say. The more you make the more you spend. Really though? Are all the things we have not necessity? 

What if we want something? Are we supposed to work like dogs and not enjoy ourselves? Should we not be able to budget for entertainment? How do we keep ourselves sane? Our relationship alive? Create memories with our kids? 

My mom this weekend opened my eyes to a new perspective. What do we take to the tomb when we die? It won't be our bills or our lease. Its going to be our memories that don't change whether we're here or there. A meeting at work yesterday morning enlightened me. Its not all about money. Its about the right thing, and I shouldn't feel guilty for doing what feels like the right thing. 

The following article:{RAYCOMGROUP

raycomgroup.worldnow.com/story/22858558/mcdonalds-budget-advice-to-employees-shows-difficulty-of-fast-food-wages}, is something I came across. We're not the only ones in this situation. We're not the only ones having to penny pinch, yet barely making ends meet. The budget isn't realistic. Its an overview. Its not what its like, and its not what bills look like for a family who gets no state help or section 8. Our rent alone is $800. Even with adding $50 for heating that's bogus! Come live with me. In the winter months, at its lowest my gas bill has been $156.**. 

How about child care? Has anyone looked into what day care costs are? The cheapest I've ever found is $180 a week per child. How can parents work to afford living if they can't afford child care?  I know what you'll say. How about family members, or government programs? I've learned that people only help to convenience. I am grateful to have my sister around who is willing to watch my boys and help, but not everyone has it that way. Government programs like Care 4 Kids here in CT will only cover under certain circumstances. Its not that simple.

I just want to shine light into things people may not want speak on. We've all been in the situation where our rent is late, or the phone got shut off, or we got a shut off notice from the light company. Its reality! It happens. Its not all unicorns and roses out here. We all struggle to keep the roof we have over our heads.

I just wish it was different. I wish my family didn't have to be split up so we could afford living. We shouldn't have to afford it or not afford it. We should just be able to live life.