Hey Ya'll

How is everyone? I've been gone for awhile. I had all these plans for the blog and then I quickly became overwhelmed. I got writer's block and decided to step away for a bit. Boy did I need it.

I needed a moment to collect myself. I'm still not sure where I stand on much of anything. I thought Logan's diagnosis would make life easier and I was naive. It's not that life is harder per say, but life is busier. Logan has therapy 5 times a week. Usually 2 per day. When we're not doing therapy with him; were spending time with each other and making sure that Mason doesn't feel left out. 

Therapy doesn't end when the therapist leaves though. I've come to understand that if I want to see improvement I have to become one of them...in a way. Our entire life has become one huge therapy session. I hate to put it this way, but everything Logan wants he has to work for. It's a way to reinforce him to do the "appropriate" things. Even Mason has caught on. (I'll talk more about that in a post related to ABA.)

It is the sweetest thing to hear Mason saying, " Logan say...", and when Logan gives it a try he tells him "good job." We're really in this together. We're not a family with a child diagnosed with Autism. We're an Autism family. Autism affects all of us. 

When Logan was diagnosed I was given his diagnosis and sent home to deal with it. As a way to cope with the reality of my suspicions I buried myself in research and I signed him up for everything. Maybe I over did it, and that's why became overwhelmed. I just didn't want to waste valuable time sulking. 

With time I realized that I need time to grief. I've read a couple of posts by other moms explaining what it's like. It really is like a grieving process, and I'm not very far into yet. The wound is still fairly raw. It stings when it's brought up because I'm not always ready to talk about it. My heart breaks at the playground when he rather play with his behavior analyst than with other children. My eyes fill with tears when a kid younger than him is saying hi, bye and singing ABCs. It's not just Autism...it's what comes with it. 

In the past nearly 6 months since this all started I've learned to celebrate even the smallest of things. Maybe he doesn't sing the ABCs...yet, but he tells me drink when he's thirsty and eat when he's hungry. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Why? Because he's come so far. I watched him regress, and watching him make progress is great.

I find myself feeling guilty a lot. My heart breaks for Mason because he gets dragged into all of this. However, I don't know a child sweeter than him. Special needs siblings are truly special beings. They are like a little slice of heaven, and I am so grateful I am raising a son like Mason. I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world. He's wise beyond his years.

I don't want to bore anyone talking about Autism, possibly another reason why I stepped back. However, Autism is part of our lives now and I started this blog to share the good, the bad and everything in between. Not that I will turn this into an Autism blog, but a lot of what I talk about will be related to it. It's just me embracing it! 

One Day at a Time.

Image Credit: Google Images.

One day at a time is my new motto. I cannot dwell on yesterday or worry about tomorrow. I must focus on today. It's choosing everyday to celebrate the little things. Like getting to have coffee before the day's chaos begins or the kids take a nap AT THE SAME TIME! That happens so rarely that I would celebrate regardless, but you get the point. Positives over negatives. Look at the negatives with a positive outlook. 

That can be so hard sometimes. Actually that's always hard. It's hard to keep a positive mindset when all things seem to be against you. Last weekend we were driving to one of Logan's many appointments that week, and I asked Carlos if everyone really struggles like we do. I was in a very negative mindset. Mentally and emotionally exhausted from all the week's events. As I observed traffic I wondered what everyone is always such in a rush for and if anyone ever feels like I am. 

I'm pretty sure plenty have before me and plenty will after me. I am not alone. I pray a lot. No I don't bow down or get on my knees, but I am in constant conversation with the Lord. Lately, I've asked a lot of why me? Why my son? I've felt so alone. So, because I wonder if people ever go through what we do God showed me they do, and that I should never judge a book by its cover. 

On Wednesday while at work, a customer walks in. It was almost closing time. He asked where the Aquaphor was. When he came over to check out he asked, "Do you have any store coupons I could use?" My response was, "no sir, we don't keep coupons in the store." I thought he's so well dressed he's just seeking a discount not wanting to pay full price. He was well dressed. Very well groomed. How superficial of me right? When he went to pay he pulled out a Ziploc full of coins and said, "this is all I could scrape together." 

The way he was dressed meant nothing. He is struggling just like the rest of us. Perhaps he was dressed the way he was because he was seeking employment. That instance everything came into perspective. It really really clicked! We're all fighting our own battles. We all worry about tomorrow. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Someone always has it worse than you. I am blessed no matter what! 

Logan's situation has humbled us. We are more compassionate and sympathetic because of it. Finding out that my child has special needs changed me. It softened my heart for more moms than before. I now don't roll my eyes at the mom struggling with her cranky child. That is me a lot. I give her a warm smile because I know what it's like to be glared at. I've turned red and hot of embarrassment too. 

As humans, we are so quick to throw judgement, but very lazy to lending a hand. All we need is love. Compassion. Understanding. 

What are some things that have brought life into perspective? 

Xoxo

Motherhood.

 https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10152218480145047&id=713115046

Sometime last week I came across this video on my newsfeed. I watched it with a smile from ear to ear. If you watch it you realize that it's main focus is to bring awareness that motherhood looks different for everybody. 

I'm not sure if I've always been as opened minded about motherhood as I  right now, but just recently...like in the past few days recently I've become so much more open. Because I follow various pages on social media I see "mommy wars" almost daily. The never ending breast vs bottle is one that seems to never end. Everyone always has something to say. 

Birth Without Fear shared a photo of a beautiful mom bottle feeding her child. The photo was breath taking. Bottle feeding can mean so many things for a mom. The mom in the picture was filled with love for her little one. It radiated through her, but someone somewhere I'm sure thought the bottle was a problem. It's sad. I commented something along the lines of, "Motherhood looks different for everyone. Not one mother is the same as the other. Not one baby is the same as the other. Our children won't remember if they were breastfed or bottle fed. They won't remember if they were strolled or worn. What they will remember is that we loved them more than life itself."

That moment a spark lit in me. Why are we always at war with one another? Don't we all just have the same goal in mind? We want healthy, happy children and a healthy, happy home. Why do we judge the mom using OTC medication for her feverish, teething baby? Why not say, "Hey you, yes you...you're doing a great job." We were not born knowing what we do now, so why do we feel superior because we rearface past 2 years old when our fellow mom forward faced at 1? Let's help each other out mommies!

We're in this together. We have to stick together. We've all been somewhere where we've wanted reassurance. Let's not kick the other mom down when she's feeling unsure. Remember that not everyone will think the way you do. Not everyone will have your beliefs. Sometimes all a mom wants is someone to relate to. Someone who says "amen sistah my kids drive me nuts too, but I love them." 

Go watch the video and I'd you don't know what Birth Without Fear is click the link below:

https://m.facebook.com/birthwithoutfear

As always, xoxo. 

Bad Mom

Today I was a bad mom. I know I'm not a bad mom, but today I felt like it. My oldest toddler is gettin very challenging. I know I should be more patient, but old habits die hard. I'm trying to be a better person and a better mother. Why was it that today when he yelled at me my first response was to pop him in the mouth?He cried and ran off. I cried and went in the other direction. Now that I think of it I never even apologized. I've been bad today! 

Why cant I be who I want to be overnight? I hate the things that are so challenging to stop. I feel as if I have failed my children. As if I am doing more harm than good, but traditional forms of discipline dont suit well with me. The way I see it is there has to be better ways. Things can't just be a you are told they are your entire life. What else is there?

Each and every single day in my journey as a mother is a challenging one. I don't proclaim to be the perfect mom because I am not. There is no perfect. I just want to be and do better because I know better. Each and every single day when my children test our boundaries; I am faces with a battle between what I have always known and all that I want to do differently. Most times I am capable of beating my demons. Other times they lash out before I can stop them and I find myself repeating what I said I'd never do. I want to be more gentle with them. More compassionate. Treat them more as ther own person rather than my property. At times I feel like a recovering addict who relapses. I just want better than what I had for my boys!

Am I a bad mom? No. I am a struggling mom. A mom trying to change her ways. Reprogram her brain to something shes never been exposed to. I am a good mom for wanting better. I am a good mom trying. A good mom for doing better. Everyone is allow mistakes. What matters is that we learn from them and move on. 

Everyone knows my boys can be a challenge to me. I chase wanting to be a better mother for them so much that I forget I am already a good mother to them. They don't hate me. Nor will they hate me if I have a rough day. I am human. Those boys have saved my life! They opened my eyes to everything I didn't know was out in the world. They are my guides. My guides to a more natural, peaceful lifestyle. They chose me as their mom. I am perfect in their eyes. 

If you feel as if you're a bad mom let me tell you that you are a WONDERFUL mom! You're doing the best you can. You have made it this far just keep pushing. Your baby/ies need you. Keep chasing better!

They are EVERYTHING!

Days Off

I love my weekends. Yesterday before leaving for work I tell my other half, "everyone is always like thank God its friday & I'm over here like thank God its tuesday." I work Friday through Tuesday and its not a set morning or night schedule. Some days I leave before dinner and can't put the boys to bed. Other days I leave before breakfast and come home to cook dinner and put them to bed. I feel like I miss out on so much.

I wish I was able to be a SAHM, but we can't afford that. I enjoy my "weekends"! My days off are my time to catch up with the boys. I cook them all three meals. We read, play, and do some arts and crafts. Its the days when I can soak it all in without being in a rush. 

Today was so productive. I made breakfast from scratch. Threw together some guacamole and smoothies and made dinner. We watched movies and played around. We were so relaxed that there was no misbehaving at all. 

I love my days off and I wish I could have more of them. Until next time! 😘

I'm on a journey.

You may be asking yourself exactly what I am referring to. Well I'll answer that without hesitation. My journey is motherhood. Motherhood to me has a learning experience. I know how I want to raise my children, but my plan doesn't always go as I foresee it. 

I know I do not want to be the parent who yells and punishes. I feel like those type of things make a child stop their behavior temporarily, but they do not quite comprehend why it is wrong. I am not perfect. I have yelled. I have caught myself putting my son in time out, I have even smacked a hand for behavior that although not necessarily correct it is appropriate for a two year old. It's how a two year old behaves. Two year olds are rambunctious and sparrodic. Nothing wrong with that.

You're probably thinking I am a hypocrite. That's fine by all means go right ahead. What I want you to understand is that I am breaking a cycle. I grew up being yelled at for simple things as "texting my boyfriend too much" or "wanting to go on a date alone". That's the type of thing I go yelled at. My parents mostly my step father has ridiculous expectations for me. In school my grades were to all be A's anything lower and I failed. He would shame and tell me I could have done better because I got a B+ and not an A-. What kind of sh*t is that?

I would witness him tell my brother he was gay because my brother wanted to play with my "girl" toys. He would shame him for crying, and he was not allowed to do house chores because those were for the women. My older sister would repeatedly get beat for standing up for herself. For not letting that coward shame her from being her own person. It was some dark times. That's the cycle I have to break. 

It's a daily struggle. Sometimes my son acts out and it takes every bit of me to not yell at him. Most times I am successful sometimes I am not  and I yell. I am only human. Sometimes my son will smack me while having a tantrum and I have to breath and tell myself that he did not mean that and there is no need to react by smacking back. Sometimes my reaction gets the best of me and I smack his hands or yell, and the I feel broken and guilty. I feel like I failed my son. I apologize and cry about this a lot. 

I want to be better. Going through some things the other day I found the following picture:

It is very hard to not have a tantrum of my own. I am stressed and sleep deprived, but I have a bigger understanding that my sons are just now getting to know the world and how it works. It is totally normal for them to become impatient and agitated when I cannot give them my attention right away. 

I want to be the parent who listens. The parent who supports and is proud despite what path my boys decides to take. The parent who does not pass judgement or shames them, but instead uplifts and guides them. I am still a work in progress. I am not perfect nor do I intend to be. I just want to be better today than I was yesterday and continue learning! 

Late nights, long days...they're worth it.

Yesterday was a rough day. If I'm honest I've had a rough week. The baby still does not sleep through the night & although both boys are fast asleep by 9pm I usually stay up way past that. I can't really help it. It's the only time I get with my honey, so at times I'm not sleeping until 1am or so (he has two jobs so on nights he works that job he's not home until 12/12:30 midnight). Its hard. Some days I feel like a single mom. 

He's not a bad dad. He's pretty hands on when he is around, but everything is mostly up to me because he's always working. I can no longer share night time feedings or changing diapers because he's working so much and needs to sleep to be up at 6am for his next job. I'm sure you're shaking your head because you're wondering how he does it. His family is his drive; thats the only thing that keeps him going! I just miss him and his help. 

I miss it being 50/50. Even on the weekends when I usually work mornings I find myself having to get up to feed the baby because he needs to rest. I don't get naps anymore, or me time. He doesn't get time to himself either, but part of me is so jealous that he gets to leave regularly. I understand why he's doing it, but the lack of time he's here bothers me. I don't hold anything against him. I understand that he isn't away voluntarily, but some days its just all too much. 

These days I only get breathers when I go to work. Yesterday I was supposed to work at night, but was told not to go in. I decided to still pay my sitter and take a few hours to myself. I feel like that is so crucial to keeping my sanity. It goes hand in hand with deep breaths and prayers for me. It got me through yesterday! The lack of sleep is wearing my patience thin and it was nice to just refresh my mind with a little time away.

I matter just as much as my boys do! I can't not take care of myself . In order to be capable of raising healthy children I need to be a healthy mom. This is beyond worth it to me though. Looking at my boys faces. The innocent smiles in their sleep. Just how far their love for me goes and how unconditionally they love despite how imperfect I am ..makes the rough days so worth it. 

Even though its hard now they won't be this little forever. They will grow and I will miss these days. With their growth will come new challenges. New obstacles to face, but they will make it worth living for. 

Mommy guilt.

Today is a bad day. Just one of those days when you desperately yearn for quiet and naps. I can't seem to win today.

Every morning I wake up with the determination to make the best of my days. More times than none my days can be tough but good. Today just sucks! 

One won't stop crying no matter what I do and the other is acting wild. I want to scream! Just off the top of my lungs scream. I love my kids with all my heart, but mommy needs a break or I'm going to snap. Simply put I'm overwhelmed with my workload and no one seems to notice. 

I feel broken because I can't do what I as a mother am designed to do. Tend to their needs. I feel trapped in a corner because they both want my attention and they want it NOW! Am supposed to be able to do this...yet I can't. 

I feel guilty for wanting a break. Guilty for having to let my children cry so that I can do what to every other human is just routine. How hard can it be to sit down and eat a meal? Try walking in my shoes. Its hard. Sometimes it never happens...and if it does my food is never my food because my two year old always seems to want a taste.

You know what I really want? I just want to be me again. To do things for me, take care of me without any guilt trips. I just want to appreciate myself and all I do. No one takes the load off my shoulders, its always just been mine to carry. 

For once I want to kick mommy guilt aside and put me first. Teach myself to understand that doing things for me doesn't make me a bad mother...it makes me human. Its me being alive.

My Purpose

Have you ever laughed, just so that you don't cry? Yeah that's totally me today. Ever since finding out I was pregnant with my second baby I have been struggling with mixed emotions. 

I always said I wanted my kids 18 months apart, but I NEVER thought it would actually happen. I found out I was pregnant with my second on May 18th, 2012...my first was only days shy of 11 months. Doing the math that day I knew I would have kids 18-19 months apart. I cried. I was scared. That meant two in diapers, two teething, two of a lot because my first was technically still a baby. 

Weeks passed & I fell deeper & deeper into this funk. How would I ever love another the way I love my first? So many questions and what ifs. I'll admit I became depressed. I knew life was going to get fucking hard and that things were about to change.

I prayed for weeks for another boy. Lord knows I saved everything from my first and if I had a girl none of it would be any good. My prayers were answered on August 23rd and then confirmed on August 31st. 

I was not only depressed at my situation, but disappointed in myself. Why didn't I protect myself? How was I going to possibly provide for another child with a part time job and still in school? I forgot I wasn't alone. I am by no means too proud for a hand, but I feel like my children are my responsibility and no one else's. If we brought children into this world it is up to us to provide.

 

I still haven't mentioned how bad things got when I had to withdraw school at 28 weeks because I would leave to have the baby just before finals. Then again when I got put on bedrest by my doctor at 35 weeks for elevated BP. I felt like such a failure!

It wasn't an easy pregnancy. All along I really did wish I wasn't in the situation. The day he was born that all disappeared. I loved him like only a mother loves her child. All of that doubt and fear went away.

However, life with two little ones is hard. One is hungry all the time or needs to be changed or held or just wants to nurse because he wants comfort from mommy...the other is getting into EVERYTHING! Screaming when you say no and for some reason the baby is his new pinch cushion. 

Once my honey went back to work I felt like I was sinking into a hole. Suddenly, everything was harder. I felt broken when I couldn't tend to my children at the same time. Broken when I yelled because I just had no patience left. I felt broken when I cried because I wished things to be different. I felt like an awful mother for wishing life was just different, easier even.

Not until about two months ago did I realize I might be dealing with PPD. It takes everything in me to admit it, but yes the PPD. Post partum depression! Its ok to speak about it.

I refuse to not talk about it and I refuse to not get help. So recently, I called my doctor and she lead me in the right direction. If it wasn't for my support system I would have probably pulled my hair out. 

Life is hard. Breastfeeding takes work and effort. Babies don't always cooperate and mommy isn't always feeling great. I struggle to stay sane in every aspect of my life day in and day out. 

So my purpose? Well the point of this entire blog is so that I can talk about my journey through life as a young mom. My struggle with what I think is PPD, my struggles with breastfeeding including my views on all things breastfeeding (pictures may be posted), and life with my boys. I will rant about the bad days and brag about the good days, so bare with me. 

Looking forward to all of this. :)