New Direction

If any of you reading this have been following my posts from the start you all know that I started my blog to help me deal with some issues. One of them being my fear of possibly having PPD (post partum depression). That was about 4 months ago. Today I can rest assured that I do not have PPD. However, it is very clear to me that I have major issues with anxiety. It is such an issue that if not dealt with appropriately throughout the day I start to feel as if I have a brick on my chest preventing me from breathing. I went to two therapist sessions seeking help. They both brushed my concerns off unless I agreed to be medicated. Sometimes I still wonder if I will need to be medicated, but I decided to cope with my anxiety naturally in my own way. I wanted to find myself inorder to help me deal with it.

My interest in the natural way of life awakened when my youngest now 9 months old was born. When I became pregnant with him I knew I wanted something different out of that experience . I knew that although I trusted my mom I didnt want her to influence my every decision, and so it all began. I planned to breastfeed until 2 years old, I delayed solids, I research gentle parenting and discipline. I wanted things to change. With that came my interest in natural foods. Organic became something I wanted to try. All I had ever been told was that it was too much money, but never that things were so fresh and rich i  taste. I was brainwashed by society to think that there was no way I could possibly afford clean, healthy meals for my family. 

At first it was only a drink. Slowly, I started cutting out soft drinks, and certain foods. I began to cook differently. I started making my own smoothies to replace meals. I cut out canned goods and replaced them with fresh, frozen and/or homemade. More and more organic products were being purchased and I was staying on budget. I kept researching this way of living I so desire.

So many things are changing. I am growing and taking a new direction in life. I have lost friends over my new path, but the reality is that I am at an age where those things dont matter. At this age you know who will stick around. I have so many plans for the upcoming year. So many things I want to be a part of and projects I want to start. Quite frankly those people who chose to walk away didnt need to be a part of it. 

Next year, I plan on starting training to become a doula. I want to give women the opportunity to make informed decisions on the way they birth and their birth space and to feel empowered by it. I do not want them to allow anyone to shut their instincts out because we know our bodies best. I want to support them in their choices regardless of what those are and I want them to trust in me that I will be there to take care of them. I am a nurturer at heart. With that I also have plans to obtain a lactation consultant license to raise awareness about breastfeeding in the community and provide services to women who cannot afford them. Most importantly with minorities. I am not here to judge. I am not here to say if you breastfeed you're a better mom than she who chose to formula feed. I just want everyone to have as much information as possible on the things they choose to do.

If you had asked me 4 months ago where I wanted to take this blog I would probably have said I just want to vent my feelings. Today I say I can stand by its name...I am going to document my journey! You will still see posts about my family, and I will still brag and rant, but I want to share everything from here on out that is going to happen to take me to where I need to get. 

Every bit of research I have done has changed my view on life. Like I said I am determined to change things. I want to step out of the box for once. You will see recipes I cook up, adventures lots of adventures and I will posts about things I am passionate about. Bare with me as this is a learning experience and I am in for one hell of a ride.

If you're not helping me advance in my journey today I wave you good bye! 👋

Mommy guilt.

Today is a bad day. Just one of those days when you desperately yearn for quiet and naps. I can't seem to win today.

Every morning I wake up with the determination to make the best of my days. More times than none my days can be tough but good. Today just sucks! 

One won't stop crying no matter what I do and the other is acting wild. I want to scream! Just off the top of my lungs scream. I love my kids with all my heart, but mommy needs a break or I'm going to snap. Simply put I'm overwhelmed with my workload and no one seems to notice. 

I feel broken because I can't do what I as a mother am designed to do. Tend to their needs. I feel trapped in a corner because they both want my attention and they want it NOW! Am supposed to be able to do this...yet I can't. 

I feel guilty for wanting a break. Guilty for having to let my children cry so that I can do what to every other human is just routine. How hard can it be to sit down and eat a meal? Try walking in my shoes. Its hard. Sometimes it never happens...and if it does my food is never my food because my two year old always seems to want a taste.

You know what I really want? I just want to be me again. To do things for me, take care of me without any guilt trips. I just want to appreciate myself and all I do. No one takes the load off my shoulders, its always just been mine to carry. 

For once I want to kick mommy guilt aside and put me first. Teach myself to understand that doing things for me doesn't make me a bad mother...it makes me human. Its me being alive.

My Purpose

Have you ever laughed, just so that you don't cry? Yeah that's totally me today. Ever since finding out I was pregnant with my second baby I have been struggling with mixed emotions. 

I always said I wanted my kids 18 months apart, but I NEVER thought it would actually happen. I found out I was pregnant with my second on May 18th, 2012...my first was only days shy of 11 months. Doing the math that day I knew I would have kids 18-19 months apart. I cried. I was scared. That meant two in diapers, two teething, two of a lot because my first was technically still a baby. 

Weeks passed & I fell deeper & deeper into this funk. How would I ever love another the way I love my first? So many questions and what ifs. I'll admit I became depressed. I knew life was going to get fucking hard and that things were about to change.

I prayed for weeks for another boy. Lord knows I saved everything from my first and if I had a girl none of it would be any good. My prayers were answered on August 23rd and then confirmed on August 31st. 

I was not only depressed at my situation, but disappointed in myself. Why didn't I protect myself? How was I going to possibly provide for another child with a part time job and still in school? I forgot I wasn't alone. I am by no means too proud for a hand, but I feel like my children are my responsibility and no one else's. If we brought children into this world it is up to us to provide.

 

I still haven't mentioned how bad things got when I had to withdraw school at 28 weeks because I would leave to have the baby just before finals. Then again when I got put on bedrest by my doctor at 35 weeks for elevated BP. I felt like such a failure!

It wasn't an easy pregnancy. All along I really did wish I wasn't in the situation. The day he was born that all disappeared. I loved him like only a mother loves her child. All of that doubt and fear went away.

However, life with two little ones is hard. One is hungry all the time or needs to be changed or held or just wants to nurse because he wants comfort from mommy...the other is getting into EVERYTHING! Screaming when you say no and for some reason the baby is his new pinch cushion. 

Once my honey went back to work I felt like I was sinking into a hole. Suddenly, everything was harder. I felt broken when I couldn't tend to my children at the same time. Broken when I yelled because I just had no patience left. I felt broken when I cried because I wished things to be different. I felt like an awful mother for wishing life was just different, easier even.

Not until about two months ago did I realize I might be dealing with PPD. It takes everything in me to admit it, but yes the PPD. Post partum depression! Its ok to speak about it.

I refuse to not talk about it and I refuse to not get help. So recently, I called my doctor and she lead me in the right direction. If it wasn't for my support system I would have probably pulled my hair out. 

Life is hard. Breastfeeding takes work and effort. Babies don't always cooperate and mommy isn't always feeling great. I struggle to stay sane in every aspect of my life day in and day out. 

So my purpose? Well the point of this entire blog is so that I can talk about my journey through life as a young mom. My struggle with what I think is PPD, my struggles with breastfeeding including my views on all things breastfeeding (pictures may be posted), and life with my boys. I will rant about the bad days and brag about the good days, so bare with me. 

Looking forward to all of this. :)