Beating A Monster

Originally when I thought up this post after a damn near breakdown I was going to write about how difficult a time I'm having fighting against anxiety without medication. As always I have good days and bad days. Everyone does. Each and everyday I have a battle with myself trying to stay in control of everything. If I don't feel in control anxiety strikes and I begin to get upset. My patience wears far more easily and not yelling becomes harder and harder. 

This afternoon the boys have me a hard time. I'm overworked. Tired beyond my own human comprehension. I am also sick. I try very hard to not let the stress surrounding me affect me, but today it did. The million things in my head did not stay in the back and all the feelings i fight so hard to hide came out. I yelled. I cussed and then wanted to cry. I apologize and took a deep breath. I know they still love me, but I didn't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy most of the time. 

Then my kids did wonderful things. The kind of wonderful things that erase all the crappy things. They never cease to amaze me and even though sometimes I wonder if I should go on medications. I realize my therapy is in them. If I soak every moment in for what it is they help relieve a lot of my built up anxiety. It doesn't prevent the one who will haunt me later, but it eases the one haunting me in the moment. 

There's something about the way they smell that gives me a huge sense of peace. I smell their little necks & tops of their heads & instantly my entire soul warms up. I have really awful days. I'm not here to pretend im perfect. However, they make everything better.

New Direction

If any of you reading this have been following my posts from the start you all know that I started my blog to help me deal with some issues. One of them being my fear of possibly having PPD (post partum depression). That was about 4 months ago. Today I can rest assured that I do not have PPD. However, it is very clear to me that I have major issues with anxiety. It is such an issue that if not dealt with appropriately throughout the day I start to feel as if I have a brick on my chest preventing me from breathing. I went to two therapist sessions seeking help. They both brushed my concerns off unless I agreed to be medicated. Sometimes I still wonder if I will need to be medicated, but I decided to cope with my anxiety naturally in my own way. I wanted to find myself inorder to help me deal with it.

My interest in the natural way of life awakened when my youngest now 9 months old was born. When I became pregnant with him I knew I wanted something different out of that experience . I knew that although I trusted my mom I didnt want her to influence my every decision, and so it all began. I planned to breastfeed until 2 years old, I delayed solids, I research gentle parenting and discipline. I wanted things to change. With that came my interest in natural foods. Organic became something I wanted to try. All I had ever been told was that it was too much money, but never that things were so fresh and rich i  taste. I was brainwashed by society to think that there was no way I could possibly afford clean, healthy meals for my family. 

At first it was only a drink. Slowly, I started cutting out soft drinks, and certain foods. I began to cook differently. I started making my own smoothies to replace meals. I cut out canned goods and replaced them with fresh, frozen and/or homemade. More and more organic products were being purchased and I was staying on budget. I kept researching this way of living I so desire.

So many things are changing. I am growing and taking a new direction in life. I have lost friends over my new path, but the reality is that I am at an age where those things dont matter. At this age you know who will stick around. I have so many plans for the upcoming year. So many things I want to be a part of and projects I want to start. Quite frankly those people who chose to walk away didnt need to be a part of it. 

Next year, I plan on starting training to become a doula. I want to give women the opportunity to make informed decisions on the way they birth and their birth space and to feel empowered by it. I do not want them to allow anyone to shut their instincts out because we know our bodies best. I want to support them in their choices regardless of what those are and I want them to trust in me that I will be there to take care of them. I am a nurturer at heart. With that I also have plans to obtain a lactation consultant license to raise awareness about breastfeeding in the community and provide services to women who cannot afford them. Most importantly with minorities. I am not here to judge. I am not here to say if you breastfeed you're a better mom than she who chose to formula feed. I just want everyone to have as much information as possible on the things they choose to do.

If you had asked me 4 months ago where I wanted to take this blog I would probably have said I just want to vent my feelings. Today I say I can stand by its name...I am going to document my journey! You will still see posts about my family, and I will still brag and rant, but I want to share everything from here on out that is going to happen to take me to where I need to get. 

Every bit of research I have done has changed my view on life. Like I said I am determined to change things. I want to step out of the box for once. You will see recipes I cook up, adventures lots of adventures and I will posts about things I am passionate about. Bare with me as this is a learning experience and I am in for one hell of a ride.

If you're not helping me advance in my journey today I wave you good bye! 👋

Living with OCD.

I've always been a perfectionist. In my early years everything was always organized in some sort of order or pattern. I just thought I was a neat person. Until being neat turned into an obsession. 

It became a MUST for things to be a certain way. In 2008 after I moved in with my boyfriend my anxiety was through the roof. So I was obviously obsessing over things a lot. It wasn't the simple dishes need to be done after dinner. It was more like the house has to be scrubbed after dinner or it would literally haunt me. My mind would race with the thought of all the possible germs crawling around. The bathroom was cleaned before each time I used it. Some nights it was 3am and I would be up turning the house upside down because I couldn't sleep. 

Getting pregnant I thought maybe I'd relax a little because really? Who has time to clean up after their child 784627282 times a day?! Not me that's for sure. Boy was I wrong! It got so much worse. His things got sorted into even numbers. Odd numbers make me anxious. There was one bottle for each time of day, things got changed monthly. It was awful. I must say that with my second its a bit less tense, but the even number deal has not changed. Odd numbers like 1,3,5,7 scare me...I rather 2,4,6,8. I'm not sure why. However, my issue with numbers on the tv volume is different. I rather 10,15,20,25 than numbers in between. Its always been this way. I don't know why. 

I didn't ever plan on bringing this up on here, but now I'm worried. My 2 year is displaying signs of anxiety and I think he may have some of the same issues. The worse part is he can't control his feelings as well as I can, and he is not able to express himself that well either. He does things like throw fits if things don't go back the same way as they were, and he will not move on to a task until his previous is completed to perfection. Granted this could be normal 2 year old behavior, but given my history I'm afraid for him and what he may have to face. 

Either way his momma will be here to hold his hand through the way! Xoxo

Against ALL my odds.

Remember a couple posts back how I said that not having EVER been behind the wheel of a car; I had decided it was finally time to start learning. Well I must say this week has been full of little accomplishments taking me to my ultimate goal of getting my license and owning my own car. 

It has not been a walk in the park. My anxiety can sometimes get the best of me and cause me to think of all the things that can go wrong therefore, keeping me from taking the chance. I won't say I was great the first time I got behind that wheel. I was shaking and scared. I didn't feel like I could do it. I wanted to walk away. I felt like I was exposing myself to something I was not capable of doing.

I sat there in fear, but I said, "fuck it. If I don't do this now I never will." So I did it. I took control of myself and took a chance. Despite my fear, getting it done gave me a feeling of freedom. The same happened when I was exposed to driving on the highway. Although I was afraid I took that chance and when I got off that exit I felt free, accomplished, like I had just beat a giant. 

This week has been wonderful. I have opened new opportunities for myself. I freed myself from the anxiety that kept me depending on others. I now can move forward and become myself again. 

I'm doing this for me. Because I matter. A healthy, happy mom...makes for healthy, happy children. FUCK YOU ANXIETY!