Beating A Monster

Originally when I thought up this post after a damn near breakdown I was going to write about how difficult a time I'm having fighting against anxiety without medication. As always I have good days and bad days. Everyone does. Each and everyday I have a battle with myself trying to stay in control of everything. If I don't feel in control anxiety strikes and I begin to get upset. My patience wears far more easily and not yelling becomes harder and harder. 

This afternoon the boys have me a hard time. I'm overworked. Tired beyond my own human comprehension. I am also sick. I try very hard to not let the stress surrounding me affect me, but today it did. The million things in my head did not stay in the back and all the feelings i fight so hard to hide came out. I yelled. I cussed and then wanted to cry. I apologize and took a deep breath. I know they still love me, but I didn't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy most of the time. 

Then my kids did wonderful things. The kind of wonderful things that erase all the crappy things. They never cease to amaze me and even though sometimes I wonder if I should go on medications. I realize my therapy is in them. If I soak every moment in for what it is they help relieve a lot of my built up anxiety. It doesn't prevent the one who will haunt me later, but it eases the one haunting me in the moment. 

There's something about the way they smell that gives me a huge sense of peace. I smell their little necks & tops of their heads & instantly my entire soul warms up. I have really awful days. I'm not here to pretend im perfect. However, they make everything better.

Safety First

Good morning! :) I'll start by saying that I am a parent guilty of not buckling my child correctly in his carseat. I was the parent who although the straps were tight enough...the buckle was not in the correct place. Until a mama online was brave enough to point it out to me. My oldest was two months old. It only took that and ever since then I have extensively researched carseat safety. 

I cringe every time I see a child too young to forward face forward facing. I've seen children under 1. Most recently on Teen Mom 3 one of the mamas had her 5/6 month old forward facing on a convertible seat. It's shocking! Where is the education? The information these young moms need? The information that I once needed myself for my child to be as safe as humanly possible!? 

I didn't do rear facing until age 2 with my oldest. I thought he'd be uncomfortable, so he forward faced at age 1...that was quite naive of me! After researching it and realizing the benefits outweigh the discomfort he will most likely not have...I am rear facing my youngest until he outgrows the seats maximum weight for that setting. We will rear face at least until age 2. 

I just want everyone to be informed. I've seen kids who straps are unbuckled at the bottom. Straps that are way too loose. Buckles that are way too low. In an accident the child will most certainly fly out of that seat. No one wants to think of anything happening to their babies, so why not ensure that nothing happens to them given the case something arises. 

Graphic credit goes to: @carseatsforthelittles on Instagram

Website: http://csftl.org/

Living with OCD.

I've always been a perfectionist. In my early years everything was always organized in some sort of order or pattern. I just thought I was a neat person. Until being neat turned into an obsession. 

It became a MUST for things to be a certain way. In 2008 after I moved in with my boyfriend my anxiety was through the roof. So I was obviously obsessing over things a lot. It wasn't the simple dishes need to be done after dinner. It was more like the house has to be scrubbed after dinner or it would literally haunt me. My mind would race with the thought of all the possible germs crawling around. The bathroom was cleaned before each time I used it. Some nights it was 3am and I would be up turning the house upside down because I couldn't sleep. 

Getting pregnant I thought maybe I'd relax a little because really? Who has time to clean up after their child 784627282 times a day?! Not me that's for sure. Boy was I wrong! It got so much worse. His things got sorted into even numbers. Odd numbers make me anxious. There was one bottle for each time of day, things got changed monthly. It was awful. I must say that with my second its a bit less tense, but the even number deal has not changed. Odd numbers like 1,3,5,7 scare me...I rather 2,4,6,8. I'm not sure why. However, my issue with numbers on the tv volume is different. I rather 10,15,20,25 than numbers in between. Its always been this way. I don't know why. 

I didn't ever plan on bringing this up on here, but now I'm worried. My 2 year is displaying signs of anxiety and I think he may have some of the same issues. The worse part is he can't control his feelings as well as I can, and he is not able to express himself that well either. He does things like throw fits if things don't go back the same way as they were, and he will not move on to a task until his previous is completed to perfection. Granted this could be normal 2 year old behavior, but given my history I'm afraid for him and what he may have to face. 

Either way his momma will be here to hold his hand through the way! Xoxo