Beating A Monster

Originally when I thought up this post after a damn near breakdown I was going to write about how difficult a time I'm having fighting against anxiety without medication. As always I have good days and bad days. Everyone does. Each and everyday I have a battle with myself trying to stay in control of everything. If I don't feel in control anxiety strikes and I begin to get upset. My patience wears far more easily and not yelling becomes harder and harder. 

This afternoon the boys have me a hard time. I'm overworked. Tired beyond my own human comprehension. I am also sick. I try very hard to not let the stress surrounding me affect me, but today it did. The million things in my head did not stay in the back and all the feelings i fight so hard to hide came out. I yelled. I cussed and then wanted to cry. I apologize and took a deep breath. I know they still love me, but I didn't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy most of the time. 

Then my kids did wonderful things. The kind of wonderful things that erase all the crappy things. They never cease to amaze me and even though sometimes I wonder if I should go on medications. I realize my therapy is in them. If I soak every moment in for what it is they help relieve a lot of my built up anxiety. It doesn't prevent the one who will haunt me later, but it eases the one haunting me in the moment. 

There's something about the way they smell that gives me a huge sense of peace. I smell their little necks & tops of their heads & instantly my entire soul warms up. I have really awful days. I'm not here to pretend im perfect. However, they make everything better.