Hey Ya'll

How is everyone? I've been gone for awhile. I had all these plans for the blog and then I quickly became overwhelmed. I got writer's block and decided to step away for a bit. Boy did I need it.

I needed a moment to collect myself. I'm still not sure where I stand on much of anything. I thought Logan's diagnosis would make life easier and I was naive. It's not that life is harder per say, but life is busier. Logan has therapy 5 times a week. Usually 2 per day. When we're not doing therapy with him; were spending time with each other and making sure that Mason doesn't feel left out. 

Therapy doesn't end when the therapist leaves though. I've come to understand that if I want to see improvement I have to become one of them...in a way. Our entire life has become one huge therapy session. I hate to put it this way, but everything Logan wants he has to work for. It's a way to reinforce him to do the "appropriate" things. Even Mason has caught on. (I'll talk more about that in a post related to ABA.)

It is the sweetest thing to hear Mason saying, " Logan say...", and when Logan gives it a try he tells him "good job." We're really in this together. We're not a family with a child diagnosed with Autism. We're an Autism family. Autism affects all of us. 

When Logan was diagnosed I was given his diagnosis and sent home to deal with it. As a way to cope with the reality of my suspicions I buried myself in research and I signed him up for everything. Maybe I over did it, and that's why became overwhelmed. I just didn't want to waste valuable time sulking. 

With time I realized that I need time to grief. I've read a couple of posts by other moms explaining what it's like. It really is like a grieving process, and I'm not very far into yet. The wound is still fairly raw. It stings when it's brought up because I'm not always ready to talk about it. My heart breaks at the playground when he rather play with his behavior analyst than with other children. My eyes fill with tears when a kid younger than him is saying hi, bye and singing ABCs. It's not just Autism...it's what comes with it. 

In the past nearly 6 months since this all started I've learned to celebrate even the smallest of things. Maybe he doesn't sing the ABCs...yet, but he tells me drink when he's thirsty and eat when he's hungry. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Why? Because he's come so far. I watched him regress, and watching him make progress is great.

I find myself feeling guilty a lot. My heart breaks for Mason because he gets dragged into all of this. However, I don't know a child sweeter than him. Special needs siblings are truly special beings. They are like a little slice of heaven, and I am so grateful I am raising a son like Mason. I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world. He's wise beyond his years.

I don't want to bore anyone talking about Autism, possibly another reason why I stepped back. However, Autism is part of our lives now and I started this blog to share the good, the bad and everything in between. Not that I will turn this into an Autism blog, but a lot of what I talk about will be related to it. It's just me embracing it! 

Celebrating My Children (Week 8 & 9)

I'm seriously slacking on my blogging, but this time I have a legitimate explanation. My son lost my iPhone last weekend, and then it was Christmas. I really enjoyed spending time with my family since it was the FIRST Christmas we both had off. Thankfully, we found the phone. Lots of fun things have happened this past week and I am excited to share. Let's get right to it. 

I really could say a million things about Logan. There are good days and bad days. With him you just never really know what kind of day we will have. He spends most of his day stuck on the iPhone that he doesn't let go once he gets his hands on it, until it dies. At which point we hide it to try and engage him in other things. It's very hard. He's done well these past two weeks and we are starting to see some progress. At functions like speech therapy he doesn't quite behave like he does at home and vice versa. However, the week before Christmas I was baking cookies, and I asked him if he wanted cookies. He responded by saying "toot-tee", and just yesterday I finally heard him say what his speech therapist has been telling me he says. Car, moo, quack quack, and choo choo. Of course he doesn't say it like you and I would, but he does the approximation and that's good enough for us. If there is one thing I am learning on this journey it is that every little thing, big or small is celebrated. Some days the simple fact that he ate his meals without a meltdown is a reason to celebrate. Him letting us brush his teeth or attempting it on his own without a meltdown is a big deal. Baths without him screaming about water poured on him call for a round of applause. I'm so proud of him, and I'm his biggest fan.

I'll never get tired of commending Mason for how great he is. I hope he grows up to know he's appreciate. I could not survive life with out this beautiful souls. He means the absolute world to me for many reasons. A few weeks ago out of nowhere and without hesitation he asked for his hair short "like daddy." He said he didn't want it in his eyes anymore. While we had attempted haircuts before they had always been rough. Giving him the power of deciding proved to me that he will do things when he feels ready. Over Christmas he once again showed us how wonderful he is. I wasn't expecting Logan to be overwhelmed on Christmas morning, but Mason took it upon himself to open his brother's gifts for him. He showed every single one of them to him, and Logan smiled at his silly brother trying to make him laugh. It was such a magical moment. I couldn't have asked for a better kid. He's awesome!

Here's a picture from Christmas night when we went to see the lights. We had a great time. How are all your littles? Wishing you all a great holiday season! Xoxo

 

How Autism Changed My Life

...I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings. Whenever I begin to talk about things I become stuck. If I try to write...I lose my train of thoughts. I'm not sure there's really a way to express exactly how I feel. 

Before this all began I had absolutely no clue what Autism was or meant. Like possibly many I ignorantly thought of things like mental retardation and Down Syndrome whenever I heard the word Autism (I mean absolutely no offense). The only description of Autism I had in my mind was that children liked lining things like blocks up. Nothing else. What is Autism supposed to look like anyway? By looking at my son you can't tell. If he melts down or behaves a certain way you would just think he's a brat. If he's spinning in circles or banging his head you would stare and laugh. You'd say things I can't bring myself to say. Trust me I've heard. 

I'll never forget the day I got my answers. I remember what the nurse told me. She said, "So you pretty much know. You just want to hear you're right." Except I didn't want to hear I was right. I wanted that doctor to tell me I was nuts like everyone one else had. I'll never forget his words. "You are describing textbook Autism. I strongly feel that he is on the spectrum." Time stood still. My heart sank. I somehow heard what he said, but didn't understand. Logan? On the spectrum? Why wasn't he telling me I was crazy? 

That day something in me changed. Quite similar to how something in a woman changes when she finds out she's expecting a child. My heart grew. My love deepened. A new sense of patience, faith, and compassion came through. The process of accepting that we were in fact a special needs family began. 

Patience because I would need lots of it.  It's not just Autism, it's everything that came with it for Logan. Intense and I mean intense therapies. The meltdowns, the food aversions, the allergies, the GI issues, etc, etc, etc. Faith because even if I wanted it all to end I couldn't give up. Faith keeps me going. I have faith that one day it won't be this hectic. Faith that I am doing the best that I can with what I have. I have faith that I am on this path with a purpose. Compassion because my heart feels for the mothers that have been, are, and will be in my shoes. Compassion because when I see the mom at the store with what seems to be her bratty child; I no longer roll my eyes. That could be me. That has been me. I don't chuck behaviors up to being spoiled anymore. 

This changes you. I worry. I cry...often. Not because I feel sorry for him but because it hurts. I feel like I am the only one that carries the guilt around. Am I? The guilt of some mornings waking up wishing it would all go away. The guilt of failing my children everyday in some way. And the fear. Fear of the future. Fear of losing myself in everything going on. Am I? 

Logan's diagnosis hit me like a 2 by 4 on the side of the head. It takes time to process. I was ready to hear it, but I wasn't ready for it. No one ever is. The different evaluations. The therapists. The questions. Those hurt the most. I don't want to answer questions. Isn't there a standard paper I can fill out for everyone? Why do I have to repeat myself? 

This has changed me for the better. It has made me stronger despite how weak I feel. It gives me hope as crazy as that may sound. This journey will teach me things I would otherwise probably never learn. It awoke a passion. A passion that had always been there and I didn't know how to use.  

Xoxo

All so New

I wasn't prepared to be a mom. Children aren't born with guide books to prepare you for what they will be like down the road and how to navigate it. Parenting is all trial and error. You try something and cross your fingers, hope to God it works. If it doesn't you try something else, but if it does you know that's something you stick to. Similar to Logan's love of PBJs. We always offer him what we're having for dinner, but if he decides that he's not having it we know a PBJ is the way to go. 

I also wasn't prepared to be a special needs mom. I admired special needs mothers for their patience. I said that wouldn't be me. I just couldn't see myself being able to make it through. I still admire them because right now they seem so much stronger than me.   Right now I wish the Earth would open up and swallow me. I wish my alarm clock would ring and wake me up from all this. 

I've always known Logan was very special. Our bond is stronger than I can possibly put into words. When he was born all the negative feelings I had about becoming a mom of two simply evaporated, and I was overwhelmed with more love than my heart could possibly hold. I still think my heart will explode every single day. I was so afraid of loving one son more than the other. So silly. I love them the same in a different kind of way. 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing about either of my boys. They are perfect just the way they are. If anything changed it would mean they weren't my boys. I'll keep them just as they are. 

It's all a blur. I don't remember when I realized that something was really up with Logan. He was different. Around 9-10 months old I remember telling his pediatrician that he didn't babble. He was quiet most of the time unless he needed something. She responded by reassuring me that my son was growing beautifully. She went on to tell me I shouldn't compare him to his brother because all children develop differently. Something I still hear daily.

When Logan turned 12 months I mentioned it to her again. I told her he was mostly quiet. There was no mama, dada, baba or anything from him just inconsistent sounds. She once again dismissed my concern. By 15 months of age Logan only said what sounded like "thank you". We had just recently moved down to Florida and had ourselves a new pediatrician. She told me I shouldn't worry until past 18 months. 

Around the time Logan was 18/19 months old I came across a video of Mason at the same age. I watched it in tears. In it we were having short sentence conversations with him. Around the same time, Logan had stopped saying thank you and picked up this high pitched scream and would cry at random. He had also started staring off at nothing, watching lights especially at the grocery stores or places like Walmart, and only lasting at most 10 minutes in a public place before he'd have a meltdown. I couldn't take him anywhere without back up because when it got to be too much he'd have to be removed from the situation. Logan wasn't socializing either. On two different occasions we took him to the mall playground and another to the park. Both times he isolated himself not even realizing that there were other kids around. He just cornered himself. Logan also developed separation anxiety from me. At all times he preferred me and if I was out of sight or left and he stayed behind...it was meltdown city.

By the time Logan turned 21 months old his hearing had been assessed and he had ear tubes inserted. Everyone we saw kept telling me to focus on his hearing before I went looking for more. However, all the behaviors had gotten more constant along with the appearance of more. I was on a mission for answers. If his pediatrician wasn't going to cooperate, then I would arm myself with as much information as I could. That's when it all began. Although he had been evaluated by a speech pathologist and diagnosed with a speech/communication impairment...I knew there was more. My gut kept telling me that hearing and speech weren't the root of it all. 

Every mother worries about something being wrong with their child. When we get pregnant we picture this perfect little baby. You dream of how they will be and all the things you will do, and what they will accomplish. I never thought I would be the special needs mom I have always admired. Between the time Logan saw the speech pathologist and today I have probably read more than 100 articles and watched over 20+ YouTube videos on Autism in toddlers. My son acted in one way or another just like every toddler in those videos. 

The tears flowed and flowed. Every single night I have gone to bed crying about how I can possibly make this all better for him and us. I know he gets frustrated and we get frustrated as well. I just want to it all to be ok. Though my heart had been broken into millions of pieces I still kept researching. The more I looked the more my instincts were confirmed. My instincts of a mother told me my son was on the spectrum, but my head kept telling me I was crazy. I was making all this up because I was paranoid. My son was fine and all this was my fault. 

I'm still struggling. I still look at him and wonder where I went wrong. I breastfed him over 6 months of age. We coslept/bedshared. We don't CIO. I waited until 7 months nearly 8 to introduce solids. I fed him organic baby food. He's still rear-facing. What did I do wrong? Not that moms that don't follow what I have done are in the wrong. Not at all. That is just what worked for us, but I must have f***** up somewhere. 

Except it's not my fault. It's no one's fault. I'm learning to accept that. This is who Logan is. A part of him, and we will embrace it. We will teach him and everyone we come across that this only means he is "different and not less". On this journey we will all learn compassion and patience. Being different is wonderful. What is normal anyway? 

Logan has been officially diagnosed with ASD. He also has the following: emotional lability (rapid mood changes), developmental delays in every area of development (he's between 10-12 months behind), a speech/language disorder, and some sensory issues. I feel a sense of relief, but I am also overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with information, and over what comes next. I am scared for my son. I am scared of the labels society will place on him. I am scared of the challenges he will face. I wish I could take his place, so he wouldn't have to witness how cruel this world is. 

My heart breaks for Mason as well. He doesn't understand what is happening. There are no right words to say to him to explain all of this. He cries when he can't join his brother for a session. I cry because this isn't fair to him. They have been inseparable since day one. To tell him he can't play with your brother right now hurts his feelings. I'm their mother, am I not supposed to know how to handle all of this? Right now I feel at a loss. My babies in their own way are both having a hard time, and I can't make it all go away. I feel like I am failing them.

This is all so new to me. Just as new as motherhood was just 3 and a half years ago. I appreciate all of the encouragement and support we've received. Don't ask me questions because it is still all too new. I don't want to talk about it. I probably never will want to talk about it. Who knows. I just know it's going to take time. Time will help mend my heart. Time will help us adjust to our new dynamics. Time will teach us how to cope with things. Time will help us to understand him, and communicate with him. Time will help Mason understand the concept of this all. Time. It's going to take time. 

It doesn't matter how long it takes. Through it all we'll be holding each other's hands. We're in this together! We laugh and cry together. We got this! This may change some of our dynamics, but it does not change the love. 💙