Being Present

Don't let my social media feeds fool you. I like probably a decent amount of parents, struggle with being present. Life is crazy. Life is busy. There is family, work, and day to day life. The other day I made a joke that I talk on the phone with Logan's providers more than I do my family. That is sad, but so true. I have limited time. When I am not running around from appointment to appointment ; I am at work. 

It is hard. The part of this all that seems to be forgotten is that I am not only mom to Logan...I also have Mason. I don't want Mason to grow up in his brother's shadow. I want him to be himself and be known for who he is. 

The picture above was taken by Mason this past week. At least once a day he asks for us to build that puzzle. He has built it about 10 different ways. I don't think he cares as much for the puzzle as he does for the one on one him and I get to spend. 

This boy is my sanity. I promised him to do more fun things with him. To dedicate more of my time to him. He deserves it. He is a trooper. He sometimes settles for us simply cuddling while he watches Nerflix. He is wonderful.

The point of my words is that as parents we tend to worry about spending loads of money on our children. Making sure they have the hippest clothes, and the best shoes. Spending money on useless toys that they get bored of in 2.5 seconds when that's not what matters to them at all. If I think back to growing up I do not think of how I didn't have $200 shoes or how I wore clothes from Walmart. I think to how much time was spent as a family. How often did we have family dinners or watch movies. Was I able to openly speak to my parents?

Kids won't remember how much you spent on them. Kids will remember how much you spent with them. Let's be present in our children's lives. Let's give them a good example to follow. 

"Children are great imitators. Give them something good to imitate."

Celebrating My Children (Week 12)

Hellooooo everyone! This is my final week of this weekly series. I've decided to give the series a rest (for now). I want to pick it back up sometime, but I'm just not sure when to do so. In the meantime, there's tons of things that will be happening around here this year. I'll leave it at that because that's a matter for another post. 

This week I want to celebrate what these boys are together. There are not enough words to describe how wonderful Mason is with his brother. These days it's quite hard for Logan to interact with his brother. Some days they play together and others Logan is so withdrawn that it's almost as if Mason isn't even here. However, Mason has never given up. He always tries to engage his brother. What makes me the most proud is that I don't have to ask Mason to do these things. He just takes it upon himself to not leave him out of things. 

Earlier this week while Logan was having OT at home, I chose to do some coloring with Mason. Out of nowhere he tells me, "mommy let's make Valentine cards." I had no idea he knew what Valentine was. He chose to make card for daddy, his cousin Jacob, and himself. Lol! He even attempted to write Jacob's name and his own. Is my 3 year old the only one in learning how to write? Or am I having a hard time admitting that he is growing up?

Logan had a really big week this week. I say big because even the smallest of things he does are a big deal to us. HE ATE APPLESAUCE! He whined and cringed, but he swallowed the applesauce. His speech therapist who also does feeding for him has been working with him trying to get him to eat it for nearly two months now. He ate an entire snack cup of it. We are so proud of him. He didn't eat it again when I offered it at lunch and he screamed when I offered it at lunch yesterday. However, I'm taking it as he just didn't want any at that moment and will keep offering it. We're doing baby steps. 

What kind of awesome things did your little ones do this week?

How Autism Changed My Life

...I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings. Whenever I begin to talk about things I become stuck. If I try to write...I lose my train of thoughts. I'm not sure there's really a way to express exactly how I feel. 

Before this all began I had absolutely no clue what Autism was or meant. Like possibly many I ignorantly thought of things like mental retardation and Down Syndrome whenever I heard the word Autism (I mean absolutely no offense). The only description of Autism I had in my mind was that children liked lining things like blocks up. Nothing else. What is Autism supposed to look like anyway? By looking at my son you can't tell. If he melts down or behaves a certain way you would just think he's a brat. If he's spinning in circles or banging his head you would stare and laugh. You'd say things I can't bring myself to say. Trust me I've heard. 

I'll never forget the day I got my answers. I remember what the nurse told me. She said, "So you pretty much know. You just want to hear you're right." Except I didn't want to hear I was right. I wanted that doctor to tell me I was nuts like everyone one else had. I'll never forget his words. "You are describing textbook Autism. I strongly feel that he is on the spectrum." Time stood still. My heart sank. I somehow heard what he said, but didn't understand. Logan? On the spectrum? Why wasn't he telling me I was crazy? 

That day something in me changed. Quite similar to how something in a woman changes when she finds out she's expecting a child. My heart grew. My love deepened. A new sense of patience, faith, and compassion came through. The process of accepting that we were in fact a special needs family began. 

Patience because I would need lots of it.  It's not just Autism, it's everything that came with it for Logan. Intense and I mean intense therapies. The meltdowns, the food aversions, the allergies, the GI issues, etc, etc, etc. Faith because even if I wanted it all to end I couldn't give up. Faith keeps me going. I have faith that one day it won't be this hectic. Faith that I am doing the best that I can with what I have. I have faith that I am on this path with a purpose. Compassion because my heart feels for the mothers that have been, are, and will be in my shoes. Compassion because when I see the mom at the store with what seems to be her bratty child; I no longer roll my eyes. That could be me. That has been me. I don't chuck behaviors up to being spoiled anymore. 

This changes you. I worry. I cry...often. Not because I feel sorry for him but because it hurts. I feel like I am the only one that carries the guilt around. Am I? The guilt of some mornings waking up wishing it would all go away. The guilt of failing my children everyday in some way. And the fear. Fear of the future. Fear of losing myself in everything going on. Am I? 

Logan's diagnosis hit me like a 2 by 4 on the side of the head. It takes time to process. I was ready to hear it, but I wasn't ready for it. No one ever is. The different evaluations. The therapists. The questions. Those hurt the most. I don't want to answer questions. Isn't there a standard paper I can fill out for everyone? Why do I have to repeat myself? 

This has changed me for the better. It has made me stronger despite how weak I feel. It gives me hope as crazy as that may sound. This journey will teach me things I would otherwise probably never learn. It awoke a passion. A passion that had always been there and I didn't know how to use.  

Xoxo

All so New

I wasn't prepared to be a mom. Children aren't born with guide books to prepare you for what they will be like down the road and how to navigate it. Parenting is all trial and error. You try something and cross your fingers, hope to God it works. If it doesn't you try something else, but if it does you know that's something you stick to. Similar to Logan's love of PBJs. We always offer him what we're having for dinner, but if he decides that he's not having it we know a PBJ is the way to go. 

I also wasn't prepared to be a special needs mom. I admired special needs mothers for their patience. I said that wouldn't be me. I just couldn't see myself being able to make it through. I still admire them because right now they seem so much stronger than me.   Right now I wish the Earth would open up and swallow me. I wish my alarm clock would ring and wake me up from all this. 

I've always known Logan was very special. Our bond is stronger than I can possibly put into words. When he was born all the negative feelings I had about becoming a mom of two simply evaporated, and I was overwhelmed with more love than my heart could possibly hold. I still think my heart will explode every single day. I was so afraid of loving one son more than the other. So silly. I love them the same in a different kind of way. 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing about either of my boys. They are perfect just the way they are. If anything changed it would mean they weren't my boys. I'll keep them just as they are. 

It's all a blur. I don't remember when I realized that something was really up with Logan. He was different. Around 9-10 months old I remember telling his pediatrician that he didn't babble. He was quiet most of the time unless he needed something. She responded by reassuring me that my son was growing beautifully. She went on to tell me I shouldn't compare him to his brother because all children develop differently. Something I still hear daily.

When Logan turned 12 months I mentioned it to her again. I told her he was mostly quiet. There was no mama, dada, baba or anything from him just inconsistent sounds. She once again dismissed my concern. By 15 months of age Logan only said what sounded like "thank you". We had just recently moved down to Florida and had ourselves a new pediatrician. She told me I shouldn't worry until past 18 months. 

Around the time Logan was 18/19 months old I came across a video of Mason at the same age. I watched it in tears. In it we were having short sentence conversations with him. Around the same time, Logan had stopped saying thank you and picked up this high pitched scream and would cry at random. He had also started staring off at nothing, watching lights especially at the grocery stores or places like Walmart, and only lasting at most 10 minutes in a public place before he'd have a meltdown. I couldn't take him anywhere without back up because when it got to be too much he'd have to be removed from the situation. Logan wasn't socializing either. On two different occasions we took him to the mall playground and another to the park. Both times he isolated himself not even realizing that there were other kids around. He just cornered himself. Logan also developed separation anxiety from me. At all times he preferred me and if I was out of sight or left and he stayed behind...it was meltdown city.

By the time Logan turned 21 months old his hearing had been assessed and he had ear tubes inserted. Everyone we saw kept telling me to focus on his hearing before I went looking for more. However, all the behaviors had gotten more constant along with the appearance of more. I was on a mission for answers. If his pediatrician wasn't going to cooperate, then I would arm myself with as much information as I could. That's when it all began. Although he had been evaluated by a speech pathologist and diagnosed with a speech/communication impairment...I knew there was more. My gut kept telling me that hearing and speech weren't the root of it all. 

Every mother worries about something being wrong with their child. When we get pregnant we picture this perfect little baby. You dream of how they will be and all the things you will do, and what they will accomplish. I never thought I would be the special needs mom I have always admired. Between the time Logan saw the speech pathologist and today I have probably read more than 100 articles and watched over 20+ YouTube videos on Autism in toddlers. My son acted in one way or another just like every toddler in those videos. 

The tears flowed and flowed. Every single night I have gone to bed crying about how I can possibly make this all better for him and us. I know he gets frustrated and we get frustrated as well. I just want to it all to be ok. Though my heart had been broken into millions of pieces I still kept researching. The more I looked the more my instincts were confirmed. My instincts of a mother told me my son was on the spectrum, but my head kept telling me I was crazy. I was making all this up because I was paranoid. My son was fine and all this was my fault. 

I'm still struggling. I still look at him and wonder where I went wrong. I breastfed him over 6 months of age. We coslept/bedshared. We don't CIO. I waited until 7 months nearly 8 to introduce solids. I fed him organic baby food. He's still rear-facing. What did I do wrong? Not that moms that don't follow what I have done are in the wrong. Not at all. That is just what worked for us, but I must have f***** up somewhere. 

Except it's not my fault. It's no one's fault. I'm learning to accept that. This is who Logan is. A part of him, and we will embrace it. We will teach him and everyone we come across that this only means he is "different and not less". On this journey we will all learn compassion and patience. Being different is wonderful. What is normal anyway? 

Logan has been officially diagnosed with ASD. He also has the following: emotional lability (rapid mood changes), developmental delays in every area of development (he's between 10-12 months behind), a speech/language disorder, and some sensory issues. I feel a sense of relief, but I am also overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with information, and over what comes next. I am scared for my son. I am scared of the labels society will place on him. I am scared of the challenges he will face. I wish I could take his place, so he wouldn't have to witness how cruel this world is. 

My heart breaks for Mason as well. He doesn't understand what is happening. There are no right words to say to him to explain all of this. He cries when he can't join his brother for a session. I cry because this isn't fair to him. They have been inseparable since day one. To tell him he can't play with your brother right now hurts his feelings. I'm their mother, am I not supposed to know how to handle all of this? Right now I feel at a loss. My babies in their own way are both having a hard time, and I can't make it all go away. I feel like I am failing them.

This is all so new to me. Just as new as motherhood was just 3 and a half years ago. I appreciate all of the encouragement and support we've received. Don't ask me questions because it is still all too new. I don't want to talk about it. I probably never will want to talk about it. Who knows. I just know it's going to take time. Time will help mend my heart. Time will help us adjust to our new dynamics. Time will teach us how to cope with things. Time will help us to understand him, and communicate with him. Time will help Mason understand the concept of this all. Time. It's going to take time. 

It doesn't matter how long it takes. Through it all we'll be holding each other's hands. We're in this together! We laugh and cry together. We got this! This may change some of our dynamics, but it does not change the love. 💙

Celebrating My Children (Week 4)

Writing this blog as my children attempt to make me lose my sh*t is probably the funniest thing to happen to me today. I want to pully hair out, but instead I am going to get past all the negatives I could be writing about, and celebrate the wonder that are my boys. I'll take a nap later...*yawn*...yes I really did yawn. ;)

This week I want to talk about Logan first. We have been working very hard to learn and teach him how to communicate with us. It is starting to show. He has done some awesome things this week, but two have really stuck to me. A couple of weeks back I was the boys' tickle monster. I would say "I'm gonna get ya", and then tickle them silly. I used it as a way for Logan to say he wanted more. He did great. He would sign more in that cute way he does, and say "mo". Well apparently he remember that very well because on multiple different occasions he has come up to me and signed/said more. When I ask him what he wants he wiggles his little fingers and starts his gibberish. That's his way of telling me he wants me to tickle him. It melts my heart. Another thing he did, and this was just over the weekend is pretend on a phone. He actually put the phone to his ear and said what sounded like hello. He would hand it to me, I would say "hello are you looking for Logan?, and hand it back. He takes the phone and says again what sounds like hello. This went on for about 2-3 minutes. While it may seem like not a big deal to some...for me it is. This is all from the child that spends a good 80% either isolated or screaming/crying because that's the only way he is able to express himself. To me it's a HUGE deal! 

Oh Mason! This boy is something else. He's always been rambunctious and such a character. These days I am not mommy. I am Captain Mommy! He says things like "ok captain mommy" or "you the best captain mommy forever." I love this boy. He has been asking us for a bike for so long. We didn't have funds to get him one for his birthday in June, and so we planned to have "Santa" bring him one. The other day we found one at a second hand store for less that what a new pair of shoes would cost and we decided to get it for him just because. He is the most grateful kid ever. He will over and over say "thank you mommy, thank you daddy. I love my bike." The best part of this all is that he learned to ride in a matter of a day. He conquered not knowing how to pedal or turn corners...all in a day. He's very proud of himself, and we are of him! 

What things did your littles get into this past week? 

Celebrating My Children (Week 3)

I thought this celebrating my children thing would be a breeze. Day in and day out I talk about how wonderful and sometimes frustrating it is to be the mother of my children. Truth is that it's not easy peasy. It can be challenging digging through all the things going on to focus on the positives. I'm am usually a very optimistic individual, but when you're in the eye of the storm life is overwhelming. However, today I am still able to dig out all those negatives that want to stick around and talk about the wonderful things that have happened with my boys this week. 

First off, we'll talk about Mason. He has been struggling with saying excuse me when he wants speak instead of butting in or tapping me endlessly saying "mommy mommy mommy." He's getting really good about excusing himself. He has even been saying when he walks into a room and wants to say something. It is such a wonderful thing to watch him grow like he is. 

How about this guy? He's showing so much improvement. It is baby steps and one day at a time. The little things matter most. This week I want to celebrate how well he has done in crowded public places. Because grandma visited we were out and about a lot. We went shopping and to eat and Logan made it through all of it. Logan did not meltdown with the crowds. He simply focused on one thing and it was almost as if he didn't notice the crowd. Now it may not always be that way, but even if it's only every once in a while...it's a huge deal. 

My kids are great. These blog posts are almost like mommy therapy for me. It's a way for me to focus on everything that's great and not so much on the things aren't. What things have your littles accomplished this week? 

Xoxo

Dreams on Hold

Image Credit: Google Images

For about 2 years now I've wanted to become a doula. The pregnancy, birth and post partum world attracted me. I started researching what a doula does and how it impacts a woman during that stage in their lives. It feels like my calling. Eventually, I've also wanted to explore midwifery as well. When I did my yearly goals part of them were to get my certification and to find a mentor. Then life happened. 

I didn't plan for life to take the turn that it did. With my son's diagnosis comes a whole bunch of doctor appointments and therapies both at home and outside of home. I barely have time to make it to my job sometimes. In the past 3 weeks I have been late at least once or twice every week. While working outside the home makes me happy; I know that my sons right now are priority. 

Yes, my youngest needs my support through all that he will be facing. However, my oldest needs my attention just as much if not more. I have to make sure that he still feels loved and attended to. I do not want him to feel pushed to the side or like his brother is loved more because he has special needs. It may seem like his little brother gets more attention, but I want him to know they are loved the same. 

I have decided not to persue doulaing at least not for now. As much as my heart hurts it doesn't feel like the right time. My family is priority. When we settle into all of this perhaps I will pick it back up. I will use this time to read all the required reading for certification without feeling rushed. It's a great time to get informed and research who to certify with. 

Life is hectic as it is. I am a strong believer that pieces of this puzzle will fall into place. It will take patience to navigate all of this, and as much as I may not want to be a sahm or wahm...that may just be what my family needs. My dreams are a part of me. What I feel is my calling will always be there. My passion to change the way birthing and motherhood are viewed won't change, but I have wanted to be a mom much longer than I've wanted anything else. 

Tantrums vs. Meltdowns

It may seem unbelievable, but there is a difference. My 3 year old has lots of tantrums. Rarely a meltdown, and it is vice versa with his brother. When either happens in public it is somehow an invitation for strangers to assume, and proceed to comment with whatever way they deem is necessary to "put my children in their place." I don't appreciate that. 

Last week, I was at Walmart (why does everything happen here?) with my boys. This particular Walmart had a McD's. I walked in to buy my youngest some nuggets and fries. Don't judge me! When he refuses to eat anything else, and melts down at the sight of everything you have offered you would resort to the thing you know he'll have. Anyway, he was hungry and my oldest needed to go potty urgently. The McD's cashier proceeded to reprimand my oldest son as if he was some sort of wild animal. My son didn't cry, but he looked at me for reassurance. The lady asked me what was wrong with him, and I told her we do not speak to our children in that way. We aim to be as gentle and respectful as possible. 

My son was only acting the way he was because he wasn't getting his way. Most children his age do that. They don't know what patience is, and telling them to wait is almost as bad as saying NO. Even if what they need or want is not urgent to them it is. To children his age saying, "could you please hold it until we finish here" is like saying, "we will let your bladder explode." I'm sure it feels that way too. 

A meltdown is so far from a tantrum. My son Logan has meltdowns often. For example, this morning he cries for a half hour over oatmeal he didn't want. All he did was taste and look at it. I offered him some and he lost it. He was so emotional! Face was so red, and eyes swollen. When it was all over he was exhausted and withdrawn. I tried calming him by talking to him, but he just sobbed more. That stranger is a meltdown. Do not look at us like my child walks all over me or like I don't discipline him. Sometimes things get to be too much for him. He doesn't know how to say "mom the crowd is overwhelming me." Instead he screams and cries until he is removed from the situation.

My point is do not comment on other people's children's behavior. You don't know what is really going on. Two minutes standing in line with them does not mean you have a clue. No one can possibly draw accurate conclusions based on what you see. Hold your comments, some of them are hurtful and insensitive. 

Celebrating My Children (Week 2)

Last week I decided that I would start a weekly blog series dedicated to celebrating my children. Things have been rough for us. Parenting is tough, but the purpose of this is to focus on the positives and not so much the negative. I'm not sure how long I'll run it for, but for now my goal is 3 months. 

I'll start with my beautiful son Mason. This boy has a heart of gold. He's like a grown up and a little boy all in one. He may watch documentaries about dinosaurs, mammals, and other creatures constantly, but he still likes to lay on my lap and have me sing him lullabies. He still enjoys climbing into our bed at the wee hours of the morning to snuggle. I love this child! This week he has been such an amazing help. He has helped me cook meals, and also bake some goodies. He has be reassuring me that I am the best mommy. He knows his mama needs to feel loved. His biggest accomplishment this week has been improving his behavior. He has been able to listen more, and say excuse when I am talking to someone. The biggest of all though has been his patience. He has endured tagging along to so many appointments for his brother, and has waited patiently. Well, as patient as a 3 year old gets, but he's done great! 

Oh my sweet sweet Logan, how I love him so. Though this week has been rough for us, we now have answers that I am not ready to speak about. However, Logan has now been doing speech therapy for a month and he's learning to communicate his needs without letting things get the best of him. He will on occasion sign more or hand us what he needs (like his sippy for a drink). He will also take my hand and guide me to where he wants to go. Someone suggested pictures of things to help him communicate with us. I think that would be great for him. On top of all his improvement with communication Logan actually had some meat this past week without fussing. He tried rib and steak and didn't even flinch. I am so excited for him. He is still mostly sticking to pbjs, but that is a huge deal that he was willing to try meat. 

What things did your littles accomplish this week? 

Xoxo

Reading Before Bed

Image Credit: Google 

For as long as I can remember I have loved to read. I read food packages, street signs, billboards, cosmetic bottles, and pretty much anything you can think of. Since I learned and understood the English language I have loved a good book. I used to swallow a 500 page book in a week...if we made it that far. 

Though I was never that mom who read to her baby in-utero. I always knew I wanted to read to my kids. I pictured myself sitting in a rocking chair before bed reading the book they picked. I wish I could say I have read to them always, but I haven't. At times I have, just nothing consistent. Until recently. 

About a month or two ago we got a library card. When we brought the boys for the first time they were in awe of the place! We started checking out books for me to read to them occasionally. My 3 year old though kept asking for a book before bed. 

One day when we went in I decided to start checking out a bunch of books. The books are due back in 14 days, so I checked out 14. One book per night until they are due. Every night I read them a new story, and they were so eager to hear it. I enjoy that time before bed when we just relax and listen just as much as they do. I feel as if hearing my voice for those 15 minutes or so helps them settle down. It's become part of our bedtime routine, and my son Logan takes notice if it doesn't happen. It's such a great thing! 

Taking the time to read to the boys before bed has allowed them to settle down easier. They go to sleep with less of a fight, and if I don't read you can notice something is off. They love it so much that through out the day they will bring me a book. My son Mason will say "mom could you read me story please?" When I do I get a "thank you mommy you the best" from him. That's all the reward I need. 

Do you read to your children? If so, how often? Do you take your kids to the library? 

Xoxo

The "Good" Mother

What is a good mother? To whom's standards do we consider a mom good or bad. Is there such thing as a bad mom or is it misunderstood. 

To me a good mother is she who puts her children before anything. A good mom takes her children into consideration before making decisions. Her heart swells at their smiles even if her eyes roll when they are a handful. However, how or what she feeds them, their sleeping arrangements, her form of discipline, public or homeschool, working or staying home does not define her.

The amount of judgement passed on social media from mother to mother seriously sickens me. When will we stop? We have to stick together. Sometimes as mothers we're the only ones that we can relate to. I know sometimes I read posts on Instagram from other moms and I'm like "omg me too, I'm not alone!" 

However lately,  I've seriously wondered what it is I am doing wrong. Why can't my 3 year old and I connect. Why are we bumping heads? I've been yelling during the day, exasperated with all that's rushing through my mind, and crying myself to sleep at night wondering how I can be better. I must be doing something right though. My children love me unconditionally. They see my flaws, but they don't care. In their eyes I am a good mother. 

As women not just as mothers we are our own biggest critics. We see someone else doing good in something and beat ourselves up for not being as good at it. Let's celebrate our flaws. Let's celebrate our accomplishments. Let's empower one another. Let's stop kicking each other when we're down. 

We are all good mothers to our children. They are unique. What works for our children won't ever work for another's child. We always have our child's best interest at heart even if to another it's not the right way. To us it is. We are good mothers. 

Bedsharing Update.

Close to two ago we got the boys a bed for their room. Quite frankly we were all so ready to have our own space. The boys were doing great bedsharing with each other, but uncomfortable with us. They were waking up multiple times a night whining and our room would get so hot from all the body heat. Even with our thermostat set below 75 and a fan going we still woke up hot. 

They have been sleeping in their beds at bedtime and nap time since they first got it. We still lay with them until they fall asleep, but once they are asleep we leave. They are more than welcome to join us if they wake up in the middle of the night as long as it's after 3. If it's before then back in their bed they go. 

At first they would wake up around 5 looking for us and would climb in our bed. However, for the past I want to say 3/4 nights they have slept the entire night in their bed only coming into ours after the sun is up. Usually, it's 7:30-8. At that time they are ready to be up for good. My oldest knows how to put cartoons on so sometimes they just go into the living room and sit to watch a Wiggles DVD that they have. I swear I did not train them for this...they just are observant I guess. 

Because their bed is a full only one of us puts them to bed. We alternate. Daddy does 3 nights a week and I do 4. Basically, he does the nights I am at work and I do the nights that he's at work. It's just what works. Once the boys fall asleep we turn on their closet light as a night light (we haven't gotten around to buying one because my youngest like to stick things in the outlets). We close their door but not enough so that the youngest has trouble opening it of he ended to come find us. 

We are all less cranky in the morning and more rested. It's sad in a way that bedsharing for us has mostly come to an end, but as mentioned before we were all ready. 

As always thanks for reading, xoxo.

Logan UPDATE!

My last post about my son was and still is very personal. I expressed feelings that I hadn't necessiraly expressed to many, but like I wrote there it helps me to talk about it. So I figured I could keep some sort of "journal" about his progress and his care on here. 

 

Last time I touched based on how he already has a speech therapist. We're waiting to hear back from insurance on approval for therapy 3 times a week. On Tuesday we had an ENT appointment for a hearing test. Logan failed. He has moderate hearing loss. I was told that in order for him to hear things have to be louder. The ENT doctor took a look at him and said there is minimum ear drum movement due to fluid and an infection that seems like it's been ongoing, but undiscovered. She did an ear irrigation to clean out all the wax, and decided that surgery for ear tubes was necessary to attempt getting his hearing back to normal. 

Because the infection and fluid seem to have been undiscovered for quite some time we're not sure if his "hearing loss" is the cause of his speech delay or if his ear drum is damaged. We don't even know if it all has caused the damage. The tubes will stay in for a year. Four weeks after surgery his hearing will be retested. If normal he will continue to do his speech therapy and we will observe his behavior changes. If despite all this he is still doing the things I mentioned or if he regresses in any way we will be furthering his evaluations. 

No matter how "simple" any surgery is there are still risks and this is my baby we're talking about. Of course I'm scared for him. I'm worried, and I wish I could take his place. Surgery is set for September 9th the time is still unknown as it's a surgery center doing it and patients are scheduled by age. 

Since his ear irrigation I have seen some improvement in how quickly he responds to his name. It takes me less Logan's to get him to respond. He understands when I say sit if I hand motion him to sit, and he understand no if I shake my head.

Next update on him will be after surgery. Xoxo

Looking For Answers

This post has been a long time coming. I never speak on this topic with anyone really. I will discuss the situation, but my feelings on it have always been reserved. I've been called "crazy" one too many times and I've opted to keep everyone out of it. However, talking about it makes it easier to deal with. I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for us. I simply want my son to have the same quality of life as the next person. I want him to be accepted and understood regardless of how different he may be from someone else. 

I don't quite remember when it all began. Maybe it was with his aversion to certain foods or the numerous times we attempted to teach him words like mama and dada. His lack of response made me start wondering if something was going on with him. Everyone kept saying to me he'll outgrow it. It's just a phase, but my momma instinct kept saying otherwise. It still says I need to dig for more answers. At his 15 month his doctor told us he was fine. Told us everything he was doing was normal and to keep doing what we were doing. At the time Logan was saying thank you, dada, and stop. By 18 months nothing. No new words or old. My son regressed. 

Since then he has seen a speech pathologist and been diagnosed with a speech and communication impairment. He will get therapy to help him learn ways to communicate not only with others, but also communicate his needs. I'm glad something is happening, but that's not answering everything else that's going on. 

I still need answers as to why he gags at the mere sight of some foods? Why won't he wear shoes or socks? Why does he refuse to brush his teeth? I still need answers as to why he bangs his head on the walls or floor. I need answer as to why he twirls around in circles while hitting his head or ears. Why does he seem to look past me instead of at me? Why? Why does my son become so overwhelmed? Why does he isolate himself? Why does he scream his way through the store if we're not in and out in tops 15 minutes time? This doesn't answer those things amongst others! 

Ive been beyond naive. When he was born I thought I knew it all. He is my second and having already had one I thought I knew exactly how everything would be. I ignorantly thought I was somehow immune to a special needs child because my first was so "easy". I told myself I'd never be a special needs mom. I wasn't built for it. Well I'm doing it. God sure has a way of humbling people. Special needs is not a burden. It is the most rewarding gift I could have ever been given. 

Sure, there's tough days. Some days I look at my son and wonder what I did wrong. Do I spend enough one on one with him? Did start too late trying to teach him certain things? Should I have breastfed longer? Have I made him this way by attachment parenting? And the most hurtful...is this all my fault for continuing the medication!? I have no answers to anything right now. The only thing I know for sure is that I love him more than anyone ever possibly could. I love him beyond this situation, and I will do all that's in my power for him to have the life he deserves. 

If you look at him you wouldn't even know. People don't understand. People think I can't control my child. People think he's a brat and a "spanking" will fix it. Truth is, I don't want to "fix" him because he's not broken. He's special. He's smart. He's different. But certainly not broken. 

Sometimes.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not the mommy from the fairy tales and the movies. You know the mommy who is always put together and never loses her cool. Yeah...that's not me. 

I'll also be the first to admit that I tend to forget how little my boys really are. How much they truly still need me, and to enjoy every moment. Sometimes I get caught up in raising "good" children that I forget I already have them. 

A couple of weeks ago I found my camera. Due to the move I had misplaced it and thought it was lost. In it were picture and a video of the last month my 3 year old was an only child. He was 17 months old. I watched the video and couldn't contain the tears. I forgot he was that little at one point. 

I can watch that's video a million times over. Sometimes I really think I should. Those times when he makes me want to pull my hair out of my head one by one; the video reminds me that this too shall pass and I should enjoy it. One day I won't have him trying to steal my phone or asking me 2500 questions in one hour. 

The same goes for my 18 month old. Parenting him has been life changing. These days it is really hard for me to get any me time unless I sneak away. He's very attached. Days like today I want mommy time out. I want to throw the towel in. I want to scream I QUIT! Then I remember that video of his brother. One day he won't want my hugs. He will wipe away my kisses. One day another woman will be his entire world. 

What I'm trying to say is let's slow down. Let's enjoy the little things. Like the toys you bump into in the middle of the night, the crying spells, and the little feet that kick you in the middle of the night because one day...one day you're going to wish they were there. 

Xoxo

You're Not Alone

As moms we have at some point felt like we're the only ones having a tough day. We may feel like everyone else is having a ball and you're the mom stuck with the 3 year old throwing tantrums and the 1 year old screaming because he is overwhelmed by the department store. I speak from experience. 

Because I work at BRU I often interact with a lot of moms with young children. I often am able to observe different situations that remind me of myself. The tantrum that turns your face red and you wish the ground would swallow you. The negotiating and compromising with your child so that they won't scream bloody murder. I have been there too. 

Before I had my boys I would say "I'll be damned if my kids ever act crazy in public. My kids will know better." I think back to those days a lot. Boy was I young and naive. Truth is kids don't know better. They are kids. I've read lots of articles that explain what life is like for a toddler. They do feel like their world might end when you say no to them or when you keep them waiting. 

A few weeks ago at the grocery store my 3 year old (then about a week or two shy of 3) asked for some candy. I told him that he needed to be patient while mommy shopped and that if he was he could get some candy. He immediately didn't  like what he heard and threw one of his tantrums. Prior to that he was always very patient at the store. Not sure what snapped on this day, but I wanted to be swallowed alive. People would stare as I attempted to talk him through it almost expecting me to hit my son. I didn't hit him. Although I was embarrassed I let him have his tantrum and told him that because of his behavior he can not have candy. He understood. 

Last week I was checking out an overwhelmed mom. She had her kids in tow and seemed like she could barely concentrate. I asked her how old her kids  were and to my surprise they were as old as mine same exact age difference. We understood each other. We went through similar things. We talked about how rough it is being home all day with them. How grateful we were for bedtime, and also how she was considering returning to work or putting her son in preschool so that she could get some type of a break. We agreed that the kids behave differently apart than together and how family refuses to help out with both. 

Up until that moment i'm sure she felt as alone as I had the past week. I felt defeated. Misunderstood even. Talking to her made me realize that as moms we go through a lot of the same things. We all have days we want to pull our hair out. Our lives are not story book perfect. You're not alone. That mom at the park you're hesitating to speak to also has rough days. She may not show it because she managed to brush her hair today or put on some make up, but you both can relate. We're not alone nor should we feel like we are. We are mothers. Let's stick together!

Tantrums

What is it about being 3? Why do they call it terrible 2's when 3 is when it really gets tough? Why is my 3 year old having such a hard time? Why do I feel like I am screwing everything up? 

Not sure why. Maybe it is his age, but the past week has been so tough on Mase. He throws a tantrum for just about everything. They range from fake crying I just want my way to full blown exhausting himself. I try SO very very hard not to yell at him, but sometimes its so many I want to throw the towel in. I'm convinced my discipline is all screwed up. I have for to be screwing something up. It is such an inner battle to gently parent through these tantrums of his. 

This past week at work I began to observe how other parents deal with their kids tantrums in public. Most parents were red in the face embarrassed and feeling flustered. I've been there. I was there today. What happened? 

I took my sons to the store to buy an item. My youngest was in the stroller, and my oldest needed to walk beside me. He wanted to push his brother, and I told him he needed to wait until we got inside the store because there were cars coming our way. He became very upset and began to throw himself on the ground. I took them back to the car and chose not to go into the store and return home. 

Was that the right choice? Maybe? Maybe not? I don't really know, but I don't know what else I can do. I refuse to hit him and I didn't want to spend the entire time at the store dragging him. He seems to understand the consequences of his actions and quickly goes into the "ok mami" stage. I chose to still not go into the store because that would be like backing out of the consequences he got. 

Once in the car I told him we do not act that way. We can get hurt by throwing ourselves where cars pass by and that he was embarrassing himself with his behavior. He cried and screamed, but eventually settled down. I'm not one for CIO, but man I don't know what else to do. 

Could that have been handled differently? Possibly. I know I'm not alone lots of parents have been here, are here and will be here. My son has become very defiant. Always testing limits. He knows the boundaries, but chooses to attempt to cross them. 

Anyone else? 

Touched Out.

How many of us feel like we need a break? I don't mean a nap or a trip to the grocery store alone. Although those things help...I mean a real break. A good amount of hours without someone needing us or screaming for us. I love being the mother of my boys, but sometimes this mommy needs a minute or an entire day to hear myself think. 

Even sometimes when I try to post on here I find it difficult to collect my thoughts. You know in the mist of finding our own place and all we are still yet to sit down and create a budget outline for ourselves? Sometimes we even have to put off conversations because the boys just wont let us think straight. 

Feeling touched out doesnt happen often, but when it does I just hope for someone to rescue me. Someone to lend a hand before I break. In those moments I want time alone with my honey the most. We don't get date night often. Our lives are mostly working and the boys. With no family around to "help" us we don't get out much. 

We have this rule though, every night after the boys have gone to bed and whoever was at work gets home we spend at least 1 hour together. Its like date night every night and it makes up for not being able to have a night to ourselves or a weekend for us. 

Last week we planned a quick date and it fell apart. We were disappointed, but we just laughed. We don't ask for much. Just one night a month and we don't even get that. Meanwhile, everyone else our age with kids gets out once every week. 

If you cant make date night happen often what do you do to make up for it? 

7 Years...

The past 7 years have been the most life altering years of my entire life. In that time I have grown into the person I am today. Although, I am still diligently working towards becoming the person I want to be. I am no longer as naive as I used to be. You came into my life at a very crucial time. I was 16. The guy I had put everything on the line for betrayed me. I no longer knew how to trust. I used to always pray that God would put the guy he had reserved for me in my path at the time I needed him most. 

I met you the night before I found everything out. I had no idea I'd see you again. When I did see you again and our eyes locked...something told me you were the one. You weren't my type of guy, but you were it. All along I had been looking in all the wrong places. Thank you for finding me! I love you for that. 

From the start we were not a very "normal" couple. What is normal anyway? You didn't ask me for my number. I stole yours from my brother's phone. You didn't ask me on a date or to be your girlfriend. You told me you cared about me and wanted to show me you were different. I appreciate how patiently you waited for me to be ready. I never accepted. I just changed my name on your phone and let you figure it out. Most shocking of all we waited an entire year before we became intimate with each other. NO guy has ever done that with me EVER!  

I've always wondered why even though it seems to others like we do things backwards its always felt so right. Kinda like how we can commit to joint bank accounts, but cant commit to marriage. Lol not that we don't want to be married, but people don't understand that. I was happy when we made it to a year, then 2 then 3. I remember our struggles trying to get pregnant. Today I understand why things have played out as they have. 

In the past year is when we've grown the most. Not only as parents, but as a couple and as individuals. We've figured out our dreams. We know what we aspire and have a plan as to how we will achieve our goals. We know how we want to live our lives and how badly we want to break lose of society's robotic lifestyle. 

Thank you for sticking with me for the past 7 years. For being there during every high and every low. I love you more than you realize! 

Parenting

The first thing I'll say is I'm not here to make myself look like I'm mom of the year! I fuck up too. This post is because as parents we assume a lot without knowing the reality of the situation. 

My oldest toddler has been acting out lately. I was at a loss on what to do. He just recently started play school and that was a major change for him. He's never been away from us consistently for long periods of time. I didn't know if something was going on at school or if it was just a phase for him. I posted a question on a mommy fb page. With my question I also informed readers that he recently had pink eye and had started school. I also included that we parent gently and do not do time outs or physical punishment.  

Most responses were helpful others were a bit...obnoxious. Someone even went on to say that my child is walking all over me and I need to improve my parenting because he is out of control. That struck a cord. My child is the furthest thing from out of control. I strongly believe something is going on with him whether its because he's turning 3 soon and that brings a whole lot of changes for him or because he's not feeling well or even because he's still getting used to school. Whatever it may be my child is not acting this way because hes a bad child. Atleast thats what I believe. I'm sure to others think he needs a good "spanking."

I realized people have the wrong impression of gentle parenting. If you say you parent gently people immediately assume your child bullies you. Thats not what it is about...atleast not for me. Gentle parenting for us is validating our children's feelings. Teaching them that its ok to feel all their feelings whether negative or positive and teaching them to express both effectively. 

Almost everyone on there suggested time out. While I understand this may work for some; it does not work for us. Mainly because it doesn't feel right to me. I very clearly remember how I felt when my mom would send me to my room for the things I did "wrong". There was never any discussig the situation together. I don't want my children feeling like I'm shutting them out. We do time ins. Time in for us is when we get removed from the situation. We talk our feelings through and when we're calm and ready we go back. We apologize if the situation calls for it. Us as parents do most of the talking of course because our boys are still young, but it helps them knowing we're there for them. 

Now I've been known to loose my shit...often. I'm human. I get frustrated and feel touched out too. I still try VERY VERY hard not to yell like I'm the big bad wolf, and you wont catch me hitting my sons for things. People think discipline is punishment. Like if my son hit me in order to teach him not to hit I have to hit him back. NO! Discipline is teaching lessons. I give my kids the credit they deserve. I believe they understand more than people give credt for. If they hit...we say we don't hit. Mommy or whomever doesn't like it when you hit. Its not nice. Now say sorry ok. 

Everyone parents differently because everyone believes in different things. Everyone has different children. Even us. We parent each of our children differently because they are their own person. However, we parent each with the same concept in mind. To validate their feelings and allow them to be themselves.

I know it seems pathetic and not everyday goes like a fairy tale. I'm honest enough to say I'm not always the gentlest person around. I'm working on myself as I raise my children. Working to change ways that have been all I know for years.