Looking For Answers

This post has been a long time coming. I never speak on this topic with anyone really. I will discuss the situation, but my feelings on it have always been reserved. I've been called "crazy" one too many times and I've opted to keep everyone out of it. However, talking about it makes it easier to deal with. I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for us. I simply want my son to have the same quality of life as the next person. I want him to be accepted and understood regardless of how different he may be from someone else. 

I don't quite remember when it all began. Maybe it was with his aversion to certain foods or the numerous times we attempted to teach him words like mama and dada. His lack of response made me start wondering if something was going on with him. Everyone kept saying to me he'll outgrow it. It's just a phase, but my momma instinct kept saying otherwise. It still says I need to dig for more answers. At his 15 month his doctor told us he was fine. Told us everything he was doing was normal and to keep doing what we were doing. At the time Logan was saying thank you, dada, and stop. By 18 months nothing. No new words or old. My son regressed. 

Since then he has seen a speech pathologist and been diagnosed with a speech and communication impairment. He will get therapy to help him learn ways to communicate not only with others, but also communicate his needs. I'm glad something is happening, but that's not answering everything else that's going on. 

I still need answers as to why he gags at the mere sight of some foods? Why won't he wear shoes or socks? Why does he refuse to brush his teeth? I still need answers as to why he bangs his head on the walls or floor. I need answer as to why he twirls around in circles while hitting his head or ears. Why does he seem to look past me instead of at me? Why? Why does my son become so overwhelmed? Why does he isolate himself? Why does he scream his way through the store if we're not in and out in tops 15 minutes time? This doesn't answer those things amongst others! 

Ive been beyond naive. When he was born I thought I knew it all. He is my second and having already had one I thought I knew exactly how everything would be. I ignorantly thought I was somehow immune to a special needs child because my first was so "easy". I told myself I'd never be a special needs mom. I wasn't built for it. Well I'm doing it. God sure has a way of humbling people. Special needs is not a burden. It is the most rewarding gift I could have ever been given. 

Sure, there's tough days. Some days I look at my son and wonder what I did wrong. Do I spend enough one on one with him? Did start too late trying to teach him certain things? Should I have breastfed longer? Have I made him this way by attachment parenting? And the most hurtful...is this all my fault for continuing the medication!? I have no answers to anything right now. The only thing I know for sure is that I love him more than anyone ever possibly could. I love him beyond this situation, and I will do all that's in my power for him to have the life he deserves. 

If you look at him you wouldn't even know. People don't understand. People think I can't control my child. People think he's a brat and a "spanking" will fix it. Truth is, I don't want to "fix" him because he's not broken. He's special. He's smart. He's different. But certainly not broken.